My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

No it’s not right, and No I’m not ok

It’s one of those nights where I just need to write. emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I need it out of my head before it explodes. conner’s death-aversary, or angelversary, whichever you like, personally I hate them both, is next week.

I’m in shock.

I can for the first time look back to a year ago and truly FEEL the pain and the emotions we pushed aside or buried inside ourselves when we knew the end was looming. how else could we have made all those funeral arrangements and had a casket made if we didn’t bury the hurt? well I feel it all now. I feel like I’m suffocating. drowning in emotion. but somehow I function. I’ll admit getting out of bed the last month has been a chore I’ve never experienced. it’s like each of my limbs weighs a thousand pounds and my brain tells me to get out of bed, but my body won’t cooperate. many days I can barely get out of my comfy clothes…let alone my kids. if it’s not of the utmost importance, then it doesn’t matter…I’m in survival mode. in the last year I’ve maybe cooked 25 dinners. emotions have driven me to the point of exhaustion.

my son is gone.

really, really gone.

how cruel of a world do we live in where a mother is helpless to save her son from a disease and many people walk these streets without a care for anyone but themselves and their own instant gratifications without any reprimand. it just doesn’t make sense.

god’s plan.

I truly have become a better version of the old me…and I’ve learned so many difficult lessons about who I am, and who I am not….but wasn’t there any other way I could’ve learned these lessons? with my son by my side instead of under my feet at a cold cemetary? without having to watch him struggle, and gasp to breathe and die right in front of my horrified eyes? I will never forget the looks on his face of desperation that day. isn’t that unfair? cruel even? I will never forget it…

thinking that with my son’s passing, and getting rid of all CF related junk in my home, every nebulizer, all medications and supplies you name it…but not realizing that CF will never leave my home no matter how much I ache for it to. it still has power over me…even in his death. I thought it was gone, but I know now a year later that it’s more present in my home now then it was a year before. it’s everywhere. it’s tainted everything. everytime I ache for my son CF is there. everytime I find a leftover medication it’s there. when I grab an extra cup in the morning or a plate at dinnertime, it’s there. every single tear I shed on my pillow…you better believe it’s there. it’ll always be with me. some invisible glue that can never be undone. permanent. always there.

nearly every goal we reached this past year only became so because he’s gone. We’d never have had the time to do many of the things we do now because CF took so much of our precious time. I wish everyday for just a moment with Conner. just one moment. the love that I’d be able to give him in one moment now, is more than I ever could’ve when he was alive. heavens gain…my loss. and the biggest loss of my life. the most defining loss of my life. one death taught me right from wrong, hate from love, tears of sadness from tears of joy, important from unimportant, and even the meaning of living, not just existing.

ironically now…all I seem to do these last bits of time (seems I have no concept of time anymore) is exist. yet somehow god helps me to function just enough to fake it thru the day. “fake it til I make it”

survival mode.

he’s gone….oh Lord what do I do now….

cus he took my heart and my peace with him…

is this really all worth it in the end???? only God knows…

and since it’s the only way I get to be with Conner again…I’m gonna live to find out…

stop existing…stop making excuses…stop all the nonsense…be grateful, thankful, joyful and loving.

living is about so much more than merely existing…

cus anything can happen in the blink of an eye…life can forever change in one tiny moment

LOVE LOVE LOVE

2 comments:

  1. Prayers for you Sarah. My heart aches for you. I must say I see such love in you that it inspires me. You simply amaze me dear. I wish that we could be blessed with more people like you on this world. More loving, honest, beautiful people. What a wonderful mother Conner was blessed with. God has a special plan for you. I do not doubt it for a minute. He blesses those who uplift... there is not a day that goes by that looking at your smile on your profile or reading your inspirational messages that doesn't make me smile in return. You are beauty beyond words. Never forget that. Love love love

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know that no matter how long you grieve, you'll never be 'finished.' Yes, he's gone, but you gave him the most wonderful life! Connor was truly blessed to have such an awesome mommy.

    I know what you mean when you say that 'CF is always there.' It's with us, too. When we eat dinner, when we see a movie, when we do nothing at all.

    It's okay to be depressed. It's not a weakness or a flaw. Don't believe anybody when they tell you that you need to 'get over it,' or 'move on.' Move at your own pace, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

    ReplyDelete

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