It’s one of those nights where I just need to write. emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I need it out of my head before it explodes. conner’s death-aversary, or angelversary, whichever you like, personally I hate them both, is next week.
I’m in shock.
I can for the first time look back to a year ago and truly FEEL the pain and the emotions we pushed aside or buried inside ourselves when we knew the end was looming. how else could we have made all those funeral arrangements and had a casket made if we didn’t bury the hurt? well I feel it all now. I feel like I’m suffocating. drowning in emotion. but somehow I function. I’ll admit getting out of bed the last month has been a chore I’ve never experienced. it’s like each of my limbs weighs a thousand pounds and my brain tells me to get out of bed, but my body won’t cooperate. many days I can barely get out of my comfy clothes…let alone my kids. if it’s not of the utmost importance, then it doesn’t matter…I’m in survival mode. in the last year I’ve maybe cooked 25 dinners. emotions have driven me to the point of exhaustion.
my son is gone.
really, really gone.
how cruel of a world do we live in where a mother is helpless to save her son from a disease and many people walk these streets without a care for anyone but themselves and their own instant gratifications without any reprimand. it just doesn’t make sense.
I truly have become a better version of the old me…and I’ve learned so many difficult lessons about who I am, and who I am not….but wasn’t there any other way I could’ve learned these lessons? with my son by my side instead of under my feet at a cold cemetary? without having to watch him struggle, and gasp to breathe and die right in front of my horrified eyes? I will never forget the looks on his face of desperation that day. isn’t that unfair? cruel even? I will never forget it…
thinking that with my son’s passing, and getting rid of all CF related junk in my home, every nebulizer, all medications and supplies you name it…but not realizing that CF will never leave my home no matter how much I ache for it to. it still has power over me…even in his death. I thought it was gone, but I know now a year later that it’s more present in my home now then it was a year before. it’s everywhere. it’s tainted everything. everytime I ache for my son CF is there. everytime I find a leftover medication it’s there. when I grab an extra cup in the morning or a plate at dinnertime, it’s there. every single tear I shed on my pillow…you better believe it’s there. it’ll always be with me. some invisible glue that can never be undone. permanent. always there.
nearly every goal we reached this past year only became so because he’s gone. We’d never have had the time to do many of the things we do now because CF took so much of our precious time. I wish everyday for just a moment with Conner. just one moment. the love that I’d be able to give him in one moment now, is more than I ever could’ve when he was alive. heavens gain…my loss. and the biggest loss of my life. the most defining loss of my life. one death taught me right from wrong, hate from love, tears of sadness from tears of joy, important from unimportant, and even the meaning of living, not just existing.
ironically now…all I seem to do these last bits of time (seems I have no concept of time anymore) is exist. yet somehow god helps me to function just enough to fake it thru the day. “fake it til I make it”
he’s gone….oh Lord what do I do now….
cus he took my heart and my peace with him…
is this really all worth it in the end???? only God knows…
and since it’s the only way I get to be with Conner again…I’m gonna live to find out…
stop existing…stop making excuses…stop all the nonsense…be grateful, thankful, joyful and loving.
living is about so much more than merely existing…
cus anything can happen in the blink of an eye…life can forever change in one tiny moment
LOVE LOVE LOVE