I cannot believe it’s been close to a year. my mind keeps pulling me back to a year ago and what we were doing. he was alive, but struggling. he is free now, with a body not even I can imagine it’s perfection…but it doesn’t change the pain. I will always be grateful for the time I had with him. for being chosen to be his mother. I will be thankful that breathing is now easier than ever before for him. but I will always be broken that he’s gone. I will never be ok with him not being here in the flesh for me to hold. that’s a mother’s job. to love and protect. and what can you do as a mother if you can no longer love in the flesh the child that means so much to you…and what good is it when you’re a mother and you couldn’t protect him. he had to leave. his life journey was complete. I can’t lie and say that I’m ok. because I’m not. this week is no exception.
every day of this week I’ve been vividly remembering where we were a year ago. what we were doing. the fight that was nearing it’s end. I’ve allowed tears to come when they need to, regardless of where I am or who I’m with…I’ve accepted that I’m in my season of grieving. that I can’t keep faking the smile that covers my broken heart. that I need to feel the pain…and feel gods arms of comfort. I need him to protect me. I need his grace and compassion. his peace and understanding. his strong arms to carry me. because I am barely surviving right now.
do you even know how much I miss doing a neb treatment for him? how I’d do anything to have that annoying lineup of vials and syringes, and neb cups and medications laying out on my counter to prepare for him? to hear the humming of that huge oxygen concentrator. to see that sweet face. to hear his squeaky little voice. to feel his skin next to mine and smell the breath from his lips. his breath that represented so much pain and so much fight. I’d give anything for that again. to remember what he felt like and smelled like. to remember how his face looked when he’d tell me he loved me. I’d give anything to trade my day filled with denial and constant busyness for a day of determination and purpose. fighting that damn CF that invaded his lungs and took over our lives and left us empty handed. I’d give anything to hear Hunter and Conner fighting. I’d give anything for one last picture. I’m so sick of seeing new ones of my boys, and only having old ones of Conner. no more new pictures.
I’m trying to learn how to enjoy the journey and embrace the process. because there’s a reason my job on earth’s not finished yet. I just feel so far from Conner this week. Friday holds that dreaded date….but thursday is the actual day he passed. 365 days gone. two hard days in a row.
somedays I just wish it was all easier…
or a nightmare that I can wake up from…that my son will wake me up with a kiss and a hug and the pain would disappear…
Love Love Love