I have not been sleeping well lately.
Mind has just been on a never ending thought rollercoaster. about everything. school, conner, summer, conner, money, conner…it goes on and on. it is so exhausting to say the least. I just cannot believe he’s been gone so long. see I can tell people he’s gone…and I know that he is…but my heart doesn’t connect it when I speak it. so it doesn’t hurt, that’s how I can talk about his death without tears…but when I stop and actually THINK about him truly being gone, I lose it. or if I’m speaking with someone…most times when I mention conner in a conversation, or his death, people just skip over it…but when someone actually is willing to talk about it with me, then my heart connects it. it becomes real. I thank god that he’s provided me with that protection. a coping mechanism. because if one had to deal with the full grief all at once, I don’t know if anyone could survive it. little bits here and there are hard enough to deal with….I can only imagine what it would be like all at once.
I lay in bed wide awake and I think about conner a lot. about good times, about hard times…but my mind won’t let me remember june 24th. the little bits and pieces that I can recall are like they happened yesterday. I remember where I was standing when I was transfering his care to hospice. I remember the chair I was melting into when the funeral director took my son out of my home covered in a white blanket. I remember the look in his eye…that will haunt me the rest of my days. I remember most everyone who came over, but so many people were in and out, and pastors came and prayed, and so I don’t have a clue who was physically around us just before he passed away and then after when they came in to say goodbyes…but anymore then that it is simply too painful.
even that is too much to think about cus tears are pouring down my face just remembering that. I truly, cannot believe it’s been a year. I dream of him often, he still leaves lots of red out for us in the most unexpected places, and sends remarkable people into our lives almost daily. it amazes me how much his story has impacted others, and how far across the world his LOVE has reached. I love to google his name and see it mentioned on many pages. it’s really what life’s all about.
leaving a legacy.
making choices each day to speak life or death into those around us. every decision we make, and every word we speak is an unconsious choice on how we will be remembered long after we’re gone. our legacy. I’ll be the first to admit that the me I was before he left is someone I’m so glad to have moved on from and left behind. I would’ve been ashamed of the legacy I would’ve left. and now…everyday I am very aware of my actions and words, and I’m very intentional in my love for people, especially those in hardship. I now know the power of our one life. the power in a legacy. can you imagine that a 7 year old boy with two horrible diseases could teach a grown woman these lessons? god is truly good. because in our worldly standards a kid is simply a kid…not always seen for their full value and potential. I’m proud to say that I had part in raising a fine young boy who knew his purpose, and left behind a legacy of love and not of hate. compassion for those who suffer instead of turning the other way. someone who made it 7 years beyond what the OB’s thought he’d survive to fulfill his purpose and leave his stamp on this world.
all that makes me miss him even more. imagine if I’d known while he was alive the power my little warrior carried. the knowledge well beyond his years he would bestow on thousands of people. the love he would show. the lives he saved. the many who returned to god after hearing of his story.
he left such a gaping hole in our lives. it can never be filled. though by our worldly standards a year should have us well on our way to recovery…or some even say not to let grief tear us down…to those people all I can offer is this simple thought. a child dyeing is something we will never recover from, yet we will learn to live with the pain everyday and we must let grief overtake us when it needs to. we are up and we are down…and it is healthy to feel it to try to make it thru the day. and though he was a small child in our home…he held a large presence in our family of 5. his voice was loud and happy, his medicines and oxygen buzzed thruout the house like background music, the laughter of 3 little boys has dwindled down to 2…and it’s noticeably different. it always will be. its unhealthy to deny the pain…and to deny it would be saying that he didn’t matter…that his life didn’t hold enough value for me to forever feel the loss and pain. and that is simply untrue…you grieve deeply those you love the deepest, and there is no greater love then that of a mother or father and their child.
what a legacy he’s left.
what a hole he’s left.
I’m just glad I get to chose to leave a better legacy then I would’ve before and I dare you to do the same…
now to try to get some sleep….
love love love