The Christmas tree…

Yesterday we went for our Christmas tree. It was different in many ways…both good and sad. Hunters missing Conner so much right now he’s dragging Conner’s Grover doll with him everywhere in the house. So he brought Grover to help find the perfect tree. Bradyn kept stopping to eat leftover snow instead of looking for trees, although he did enjoy touching the branches of most trees as well. Santa and Mrs. Claus were on hand and Hunter wished for a Toy Story 3 Lego set with a train…a big one he said (huh?) and baby B just wanted to say hi to santa. We visited the goats and the reindeer and picked out our new ornaments for the year. Last year we changed our tree colors to red, white, silver and red…and this year we added to it…

red lego ornaments

Enjoy the pics, I’m off to keep making those cute Lego Ornaments…

 

Love Love Love

Different dining tables…

Last year was the last year, Thanksgiving will ever come and go and not include sadness. I am slowly accepting that.

I am thankful in my heart, please don’t misunderstand. but pain overshadows it. I think of Conner and see that beautiful smile that was always on his face and I know he is where he is supposed to be. in a heaven where oxygen and IV’s, and medications don’t exist. I got to thinking about how different things are this Thanksgiving. Last year we had just gotten out of the hospital from another lung infection…and after having “the talk” with one of his pulmonologists…and Brad and I decided to shake it up a bit.

PIZZA THANKSGIVING.

Our home, our own family of 5…just us. We actually wound up eating a make shift Turkey dinner…but people dropped them by for us…so that was better than pizza! we stayed in our jammies all day, played video games, snuggled and just took time to love each other.

I am SO glad we did that. because this year we cannot…

 

We had popcorn for lunch that day too…we just filled it with love and left all the unimportant stuff out. Conner made each of us placecards at the hospital…andf we ate on our finest Chinet china…we were a family…it was beautiful….

 

Then I think about how this year, we will not be eating at our table. How we will not be in our jammies all day (but we will leading up til we have to leave), how everything will just feel so different.

I think about the Thanksgiving table Conner has moved up to.

WOW.

My mind wonders which new friend or what family members he will surround himself with this year…this is who I think

Grandpa Ben

Grandpa Ken

Great Auntie Sis

GG Shirley

GG Emma whom we never got to meet

Jenna Cassalina (and I KNOW they’re up to SOMETHING check your plates people!)

Angie Mogren (whose probably acting innocent but is truly the ringleader of the trio)

and I’m sure SO MANY more.

Because they’re sitting at the biggest table we could ever fathom.

This year Conner gets to sit with JESUS…

wow! that is powerful statement. Jesus himself. Because we all know how much Jesus loves the children…so I just KNOW he’s gonna be at the kiddie table.

sitting there in his presence…free from pain and the suffering of simply breathing…

I’m so happy for him.

I’m trying my best to have a thankful heart. well, let me rephrase that, I am trying my best to let my thankful heart shine THRU the pain that’s clouding over it. I hope it shows at least a little bit…but I know it’s there and that’s all that counts.

my facebook is filled with love today from across the country…my phone woke me up not to heartache, but to a wonderful friend Josh who told me how much our family means to his…and I am so thankful for that outpouring of love.

I try so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other…and I’ll get there…eventually.

but today, I pray that it’s a day about more than football.

a day about more than a turkey and pilgrims

a day where you can come as you are and feel free to eat off the finest chinet china $5 can buy you.

a day where your free to take off that mask of happiness and allow yourself to feel the loss and the pain that may be overshadowing your joy

a day where sending people notes of thankfulness isn’t JUST cus it’s Thanksgiving. But simply cus you felt it and meant it.

a holiday, is a holiday, is a holiday. each day should be thanksgiving…and my new perspective in life has shown me that.

I am thankful for that new perspective.

but I’m also so thankful that I know in my heart that this day is going to be so difficult…yet there will also be joy being in a new place, sitting at a new dining table, surrounded by different people who know at anytime we may have to leave…and its ok to do so.

I’m thankful for the few people in my life brave enough to allow me to truly feel the pain that I have to feel to keep moving towards a day where the knife stabbing my heart isn’t quite as sharp.

afterall…one cannot TRULY feel grateful if they’ve never felt PAIN first…so think on that today. what is the greatest pain you’ve faced and conquered…I bet you it will lead you to one of you GREATEST thankfullnesses…

To new dining tables for us all!

and thankfulness AND pain.

Love Love Love

 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

So what should’ve been a regular trip to the grocery store, broke the damn in my heart instead.

the oh so innocent villain?

CHRISTMAS MUSIC

CHRISTMAS DÉCOR

It overwhelmed me walking in and catching the smell of the holidays. Hearing how Its supposedly the MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR… really? I think last year I would’ve agreed. I loved shopping for Christmas decorations, my kids each year wanting a new Santa hat, and going there together finding new ornaments for our tree. How did I not know that would be the last Christmas of peace. Complete peace. It was the last year that I could keep those trivial sunglasses on that only see Christmas as a dinner with family, loads of presents and holiday travel. How could I have been so blind to it all?

I’ve always known the true meaning behind Christmas, but it was never tangible. Jesus has always been a person whose in my heart, yet so untouchable it seemed. Christmas, representing his birth, never truly sunk in till now.

Thanksgiving never sunk in till now.

It’s a whole new perspective. One that has so abruptly pushed me right SMACK into the wall of reality.

Our time here on earth is ticking.

it’s numbered.

it’s like dust in the wind.

Yet I never really GOT it till losing Conner.

God takes beautiful, strong, brave, weak, and overwhelmingly LOVED people each and every second…nothing is concrete.

I decided against my heart that was telling me to leave the store right then, and to go browse a bit in the Holiday section which is usually my favorite place to be. I didn’t even realize I was crying until the snot was rolling down my face in what I’m sure to others appeared to be a horrid disaster. I didn’t care. I didn’t even know it. but those aisles of holiday cheer brought me anything but cheer.

I watched as a mom and her older daughter picked out new outside décor, ornaments or something. I was so touched by that. I wish she could know how lucky she is to have had that moment…I turned the next corner and watched as a young mom fought her strong willed son over holiday candy…I wonder if she felt how lucky she was in that moment as well. I moved along the section, and something stopped me in my tracks.

a fake Christmas tree.

perfectly sized.

For a cemetery.

It stopped me in my tracks…it melted my heart…I just stared at it for what seemed an endless amount of time.

Should I? Should I not?

I picked it up and put it in my cart. I found a bunch of red ornaments and décor for the tree and even a tiny stocking in red for Conner. and I bought them all. A woman stopped me somewhere in the store as I walked away from the holiday stuff to the food area…and she said something like “wow…christmas already! it’s gone so fast” oh yes… I completely agree with that statement…I could only muster out “yes it has”

I find myself so many times in the day examining what others around me are doing. wondering if they know how lucky they are to be feeling ok, or have a cart full of 3 boys, or a child who looks 7…or simply a genuine smile on their face. I’ve become a pro at seeing the real smiles from the fake ones.

mine is usually a mixture of the two.

Brad and I have been discussing whether or not we want to decorate for Christmas this year. Halloween, which usually bears no weight on our year except that ONE night out gathering candy, about destroyed my heart. Thanksgiving I can only imagine will be so difficult. So Christmas? Handling more than ONE day of it this year may be the straw that breaks it all for me. So I am not sure that we will be decorating. but this is Conners first Christmas in heaven. It’s the first Christmas where his body is alone, cold, in the ground, useless and abandoned. He’s not there I realize…but his “wrapper” is…and I loved his “wrapper” just about as much as I loved his soul. So we’re going to decorate the tree and take it to him today.

I just can’t believe how blind I’ve been all these years of my life. how I’ve walked around during the “happ…happiest season of ALL” feeling so wonderful, so happy, yet so blind. how could I not see the pain in peoples eyes? I probably passed a dozen or so newly bereaved mommas over the years in that grand section of the store and never once noticed. I was so wrapped up in myself and my life. if only I could go back and hug those women. those dads. those siblings. all of them. and tell them with the purest heart I AM SO SORRY FOR THEIR LOSS…it is so monumental..and this season compounds it a million times over…I’m so sorry for your loss.

I have no clue how to navigate thru the grief during this season, cus it’s not like I was any good at it any other season this past year. but all I know is this holiday cheer makes the hole in my heart SO MUCH GREATER. It makes the blood that festers out of the wound run THICKER than ever. It makes my eyes sting with tears all day and all evening long. It melts my heart to my two living children…praying that I’m a good enough mom for them during all of this. It makes this void bigger than any canyon this world has ever seen.

EMPTY

VAST

Death is so final…and I’m so angry that I never got a say in this decision, in this “plan for good and not to harm”…but I didn’t. I won’t.

But my arms are so empty and hurt so much for Conner. I wish I could explain it well. They ache like I’ve been working them out with weights endlessly the past almost 5 months. In two more days…it’s 5 months. I swear I wish I could just be balanced. not sometimes happy and sometimes sad. Lord for my family’s sake why can’t I just be happy OR sad and not days of ups and downs. I feel people feel they can’t reach out or talk to me cus they never know which Sarah they’re gonna get right then. it’s so true. cus I have no idea either.

I could be in the back of a crowded room…would you see me?

I could be in the middle of the aisle at the store grieving the loss of needing applesauce for medications…would you think I’ve “lost” it?

I could be the joyful heart that stops to let you in while driving in Holiday traffic… and you would NEVER know…

Just like I can have the largest, most genuine smile on my face…but could you SEE or do you DARE to try to understand the pain in my SOUL?

UHG…I’m so tired of feeling so much pain. I’m tired of being jealous of people with all living children. I hate that I’ve been so robbed…and I’m supposed to find a way to be ok with the loss. I’m just so tired of this all…

I don’t want a stupid “awesome” tattoo for my dead son.

I want my son. ALIVE.

I wanna wake up to him crawling in our bed cus he’s not feeling good, or has had a nightmare.

I wanna hear that horrible cough that inevitably lead to his death. I miss that too.

I miss walking around, or into a group of people and not feeling alone…feeling people watching me…or worse yet having them tell me how they read my blog…but they don’t or won’t reach out to me beyond that. Knowing my pain but chosing to walk away from it. I feel that I HAVE THE MOST CONTAGIOUS DISEASE ON EARTH…but lucky for you..I’m the rarity. You’re the norm.

All I ask I guess is this Holly Jolly Christmas Season take a moment to touch someones life. Greatly. More than buying a present…TAKE TIME TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH THEIR HURTING SOUL…so many people are walking zombies of pain…and truly there is no feeling like it in the world…

Oh Lord you so promised it would be worth ALL OF THIS…I’m believing YOU that it WILL oneday be worth it…

 

 

Beauty in pain

Got my tattoo in honor of the bravest 7 year old warrior I’ve ever had the privilege of LOVE LOVE LOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!

no words…

only emotion and pictures.

ENJOY

 

 

(my good luck charm…thanks kayla)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and heres the final product without any editing

 

 

Love Love Love

that’s IT!!!!!

My heart is broken and the tears are a flowing…so much to explain…

Life I think we all can agree is so much better after high school.

the drama of it all.

the he said/she said.

the back stabbing…

the two faceness…

the constant fighting, argueing…betrayal…belitteling…

I don’t know about YOU…but I’m so glad to be done with High school.

But are YOU…?

We move from the ugliness and constant peer scrutiny of High school to the self scrutiny of motherhood or adulthood.

As moms we are so hyper critical of ourselves.

we see what people appear to be on the outside and assume they have it all together.

that we can never measure up.

that we’re bad parents…bad moms.

giving our child too much tv time…or too many snacks…on and on AND ON AND ON…

ENOUGH!!!!

My post the other day was about looking beyond the ordinary things we consider blessings and searching beneath that…deep down into the HARD stuff to find our TRUE BLESSINGS. I would never see CF the disease as a blessing…BUT I DO see how it blesses our lives. It connects 30,000 of us in ways that the other billion people in the world can’t truly relate to. Being BLESSED with disease causes us to FIGHT for each medication, every doctor appointment, each lung infection, each and every breath. It BLESSES us to reach beyond the US we thought we were…all the stronger we THOUGHT we could be and dig deeper to find infact that WE ARE STRONGER than even we knew. That God designed us for GREATNESS  beyond what anyone can ever imagine. We just have to see the BLESSINGS in the ugly wrapper…

Beyond the disease and back to being a mom in the first place.

it’s hard work.

it’s always second guessing, the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s…we beat ourselves up every day over things we shoulda done differently. We see other mama’s and SWEAR they’re so much better than us. but it’s not true.

IT’S A HUGE LIE!!!!

We need to be ok with being a mom the way WE know how to. We ALL do the VERY BEST with whats been given to us and we need to stop critisizing. We need to stop comparing. we need to stop believing ourselves as failures. we need to stop LISTENING to other moms put us down because they too are insecure and unsure of themselves also. we ALL ARE.

We need to let people voice their worries and concerns free of JUDGEMENT.

See just cus we have the common thread of cf DOESN’T mean we all have to be friends. That’s like saying that I’m Polish, therefore I am friends with all Pollocks…(and yes I am a pollock so I can say that!!!)

We need to understand just how different we all are.

my mom and dad were not your mom and dad.

my parents divorce is not the same as your parents divorce.

the way I was disciplined was not the way you were.

the foods my parents gave me, yours gave you different…

on and on..

so you could never truly get what makes me tick…nor I, you…

Each and EVERY experience we have uniquely growing up leads us to the PEOPLE we are and become. So no two people can ever be the same. So NOBODY WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ANY TEENY BIT OF YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU DO…your worries, your sadness, your joy, your pain…because NOBODY GREW UP EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU DID….

When people post on facebook or blogs out of fear, worry, joy, sadness, concern any of it…it is just that.

one persons exact emotions and feelings brought out in that exact emotion stemming from ALL THINGS that occurred in their life up to that point.

it is unique and it is their truth.

It doesn’t mean it’s your truth.

but that’s great!!!

cus your truth will never be my truth either.

Freedom of speech, freedom of feelings, freedom of worry and love and concern…is not ours to take away from someone, whether or not it is commented upon “lovingly” or not. it is what it is..and it’s EVERYTHING to the one who shares it. because it’s EVERYTHING TO THEM…

Please ladies and gentlemen…PLEASE…

can we please take a HUGE step from high school and a HUGE STEP towards adulthood and maturity.

and realize that just because what someone says may come across as harsh or confusing to us doesn’t make it ONE BIT less true for that person.

Specifically I bring this up is because of Kayla. No further details needed there. But…here’s something to think about…

are you friending people on FB because you both have connections to CF…are you friending people so you can help build them back up because in this FIGHT there are times when we all need words of LOVE and encouragement???

or…

are you friending people just cus of cf? Because if so…that’s not a good enough reason.

God calls us to be like HIM.

Loving, empathetic, supportive, faithful, prayerful, graceful, and most of all KIND. Because if your “friending” people just so you always know whats going on in someones world then truly that’s just being nosy and not genuine. There are SO MANY mama’s right now watching their babies slowly suffer and slowly die. And I know that pain very well friends. I tell you what…that is a time when we as people of GOD need to step in not just cus of cf and truly BE THERE TO LOVE AND SUPPORT those women. Life is all about love and relationships. I can’t imagine going thru all of this now without genuine friendships and people with genuine love for me and my family. and goodness it just brings me to tears to see the negativity that swells out there in FB land.

If your not part of the solution my friends, then your part of the problem…

Love on people.

Build them up and stop tearing them down.

the world isn’t going to spin off it’s axis if you were to die tomorrow, myself included in that…so why can’t we see that this life is NOT ABOUT US? it’s about reaching out and being there for OTHERS?

Love and Grace and Peace

I hope this touches your heart in some small way…cus it KILLS mine to see this tearing down of others…it needs to stop

Love Love Love

in Conners name LOVE people…everything else is meaningless

 

Oh how HE loves us…

My heart is full and raw and open.

I’m missing him intensely. Painfully. Fully. Always. Constantly.

Crying is the new “norm” and I’m completely fine with falling into tears at the least expected moment.

Why shouldn’t I?

My warrior lost his battle.

I fought and I tried and I argued, and I battled right alongside him.

I held his hands when he was scared.

I hugged him when he cried.

I comforted him when he had to get yet another “pokey”.

I questioned the Doctors, I sought 2nd opinions, going to Dr’s far and wide for opinions.

anything.

I did what any mother would’ve done for their child.

but it wasn’t enough.

I would’ve fought for him until my last breath.

I would’ve hopped on a table and given him my very own lungs.

I would’ve shielded him from pain.

you name it.

I would’ve done it.

But none of that matters now it seems.

It’s in the past.

Each day I have to forgive myself for ever believing that what I NEEDED to happen was not what God wanted to happen.

for whatever reason.

and it’s so hard.

hard is the understatement of the universe actually.

it’s devestating.

I look at my husband, and my two living sons. They deserve the world.

we fought together, in some of the same ways but in many different ways.

I was away with Conner so much fighting for him…

but Brad was at home fighting to get out of bed to go to work to provide for our family.

Hunter was fighting to make sense of his brothers deteriorating health.

and Baby B was just fighting to figure out why mommy and daddy and brother were crying so much.

Those 3 boys are my hero’s.

How they held it all together is beyond me.

How they were ok to settle with phone conversations across the miles when most normal families are never apart as long nor as often as we were.

My living 4 deserve so much.

they deserve everything.

Connerman…put an extra bug in Gods ear for your daddy and two amazing brothers tonight please.

When our entire world was crumbeling down upon us slowly from January until the day you flew away from us sweet boy, not so long ago, yet FOREVER AGO…your daddy and brothers held it together.

for you.

for me.

for us.

I can hardly believe it’s been nearly 5 months already…why Lord doesn’t time stop for a moment after death?

So many lessons I’ve been learning these past few months. Some have been so obvious that I can’t believe I didn’t figure them out before. But death does that to you. And not just any death, but a very close, intimate, death. It forces you to confront your demons. It made me come face to face with my own salvation. Believing in God is much different now. He’s holding my son…and they’re collecting each and every one of my tears now on the other side, I have no choice but to get to them. my perspective has changed.

my priorities have changed.

God’s challenged each and every thing about ME…and for the most part I’m a whole new me now, nearly 5 months later.

Halloween was so difficult.

Brads bday on Veterans Day was so hard for him.

Thanksgiving is just a week and a half or so away…

then Christmas…

I just wish it’d fly by.

I am thankful, please don’t mistake this.

but I’m thankful for different things then most now.

So many people are doing the “what their thankful for” notes on Facebook or on their blogs but I can’t bring myself to do that.

not that I’m not thankful…

but because life is so not about the small stuff any longer.

my thanks are very intentional.

very personal.

very, intimate.

no longer general. like thank god for my health. because what is health? it is an absolute blessing to have health, for this I’m sure…because I am in excellent health but my son never was…not one day of his 7 year life was healthy. healthiness doesn’t matter.

see I feel that we tend to focus on the wrong things…health is subjective.

it’s all part of a bigger part of Gods plan.

so if He’s called one to be healthy, and one to fight a disease…even the one fighting the disease should be thankful for the disease…because in ways they can never imagine it is a very important part of God plan of glory. His glory.

(I’m still learning to accept all of this so please don’t think I’m a teeny bit good at all this)…

but truly…look at your life. then look at your neighbors.

if your house is dumpy and your neighbors is pristine…you should be just as thankful for your dump as they are their home. life will never make sense. our circumstances will never make sense. our struggles will never make sense. our pain will never make sense. none of it. it’s all meaningless if we don’t realize that EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT is for Gods Glory.

so more than being thankful for your children…or more than being thankful for your car or your “blessings” be thankful for your trials. be thankful for your tribulations.

they are character building. they develop faith…and perserverance. they develop humility. humbleness.

more than that they develop your way of thinking to be more empathetic and more like God intended for us to be.

see it’s not about us.

god doesn’t give all these blessings to make us feel good…he does them so we use them to glorify HIM.

So if I made a list today of whats in my heart to be thankful for…as much as it sucks…heres what it’d be.

1. I’m thankful that long before I was ever born you knew I would need you to get thru these days I’m living rightnow

2. I’m so thankful that Conner is with you, that the painful life you chose for him is finished, his earthly work is done and he is sitting beside you now breathing deeply and knowing that he did a job well done.

3. I’m thankful for all this pain. it is developing the greatness and passion in me that I never would’ve found living in my comfortable life prior to the pain.

4. I’m thankful for the plan you have for my family. love, joy, anger, pain, tears…all of it. especially the pain though…because truly if you can live thru it and not break to it, you not only glory God but it truly make you a million times stronger than you were before…ready to face the next part of the journey God has designed for you…

5. and Lord…I’m so thankful that life isn’t always perfectly happy and easy. Don’t get me wrong…I’d love for Conner to be back with me…but knowing this pain we’re facing and realizing that I’m strong enough to still live THRU it…I can only imagine what YOU have in store for me next…

cus God…you are SO GOOD…even in pain Lord…you are so good!

I sing this many times a day and I feel it to my bones and it moves me to tears each time…God…you LOVE US SO…

 

In all the pain…Oh how he LOVES us…

Love Love Love

Not quite sure…

So I’m not quite sure why for some people the Cuddles From Conner links aren’t working. So here’s what I’m gonna do…

tell you how to get there the LONG way he he he.

ok…

pens ready?

go to http://www.privatequarters.net/KariAnn/ under her picture click on “My Events”

click on the “Shop Now” link next to the Cuddles From Conner event listed at the top.

CLick on bedding

then sheets

then scroll down and find the Serenity Plush microfiber sheets….

whalla

You can order in twin size, any color you chose, or they also come in crib sizes, or in a pretty flower pattern as well (back on the sheets page) and have them sent to me as the hostess. We will distribute them as they come in …

or you can also chose to shop for things you may want or for holiday gifts for family etc on that same link and each purchase goes towards another sheet set we’re getting to donate to a kiddo in need.

Or if you can’t afford the $79 but still wanna be involved you can donate any amount by sending a check or going thru paypal and we’ll put that for sheet sets…

So excited about this…

Thank you for helping me to help others…

blessings to you…cus we all know it is better to give then it is to receive

 

love love love

Cuddles from Conner Event…

When There’s Nothing Else You can Do for them…

Watching my son deteriorate in front of my eyes was the hardest thing I am sure I will have to face in my lifetime on this earth. Knowing as a mom that I’d done everything that I could but coming to the realization that it would never be enough was devastating. Waking up that final morning June 24, 2010 around 7am and KNOWING that it would be our last day on this earth as a family of a living 5 was horrific.

I’d give anything to comfort him.

I’d do anything possible to make his last 16 hours on this hell we call earth as comfortable as possible.

anything.

But, besides narcotics and hugs and love there wasn’t anything that I could do.

I felt horribly inadequate.

the worst feeling a mother should ever have to face and feel.

he deserved so much more…

I would’ve given him the world that last day…

that is my regret.

not doing every single thing in my power his last little bit of time on this earth to keep him as comfortable as he deserved to be.

he lived his 7 years in such pain, with such grace, begging for comfort, begging for love. always more.

so I’m doing something about it.

for you.

for your sweet “conner” whomever that may be in your life.

this message is two fold.

I’ve recently fell in LOVE with what I consider the softest, most comfortable sheets that anyone could ever own. A fabulous company called Private Quarters specializes in bedding and so much more. My heart is full of love for children, especially ones with chronic illness and especially those headed towards hospice where there is nothing a parent can do any longer for their child but to offer the best comfort they can for their dyeing child.

My friend Kari, who is a PQ consultant, is allowing me an amazing opportunity.

From now thru the end of November and maybe even into December I am raising $ to buy these amazingly soft sheet sets for CF and other chronically ill children who are in end stage, or nearing it, to help their last while on earth be as comfortable as possible. There is a couple ways you can get involved. You can browse the catalog HERE and order and with every $500 (cumulative) order Kari will donate a set of these amazing sheets to a kiddo in need…or you can buy a set of these fantastic sheets and donate them to us to give to a kiddo in need. So you can order for yourself and that total goes towards free sheets for a kiddo, you can buy a set of these fantastic sheets to donate to a kiddo, or you can simply donate any dollar amt you wish to go towards these soft sheets for a kiddo. To buy these sheets to donate to a kiddo CLICK HERE and you can have them shipped to me as the hostess to donate. If you have a kiddo in mind to donate them to please put that as well so we can wrap them and send them off for you with love from Conner :)

 

We are naming this event Cuddles from Conner. And I’m so excited to be doing this.

So contact me if you would simply like to donate a dollar amount towards a sheet set at sponzoha@hotmail.com and put Cuddles from Conner as the heading/subject. Or click the above link to buy a set of sheets for yourself or donate them to our Cuddles from Conner campaign by having them shipped directly to me, as the hostess.

and…

I have some kiddos in mind to donate these sheets to already but I’m looking for other kiddos who would be blessed by comfort after a lifelong fight against Cystic Fibrosis or another chronic illness. please email me and give me details so we have kids to bless with comfort from Connerman. Please help to make this event successful…spread this around to your friends and family and lets help out!

I just know that watching Conner die that horrible day I wish there was more I could’ve done to comfort him..so I know that by doing this for others it will make it even a teeny bit easier for their parents on that horrific last day as well…

Love Love Love

it just hurts…

Depression…

It’s not really a place that I’ve cared to stay in for very long. Infact I usually try to jump right out of it. Usually it comes with the

changing of the seasons, from Fall to Winter. Falling back usually always brings more darkness not just in that the sun goes down

earlier each day and the days get shorter, but that it also causes darkness to settle in my heart. I’m no stranger to seasonal depression.

I’ve almost always had some form of medication to help me thru each winter, especially living that the beach. it not only gets dark there by

4:30pm this time of year, but it’s terrible weather too, you become isolated into your home. alone. Living away from the beach going on 4 years

now (it has FLOWN by!) I’ve managed to stay a bit happier, more of my friends are at home mom’s also, and I have groups that I have joined to

keep me busy, so the sadness has been there still in the darkness of winter, but not at all to the same extent. it’s been manageable. But

now…the clocks have just fallen back…we’ve gained an extra hour of sleep…and I’ve gained an extra hour of sadness in my days. the

darkness is enveloping me more and more each day. it is a physical battle to keep getting out of bed each day. why should I? I need a

reason to besides that I have to. I can take care of my children from my bed if I wanted to, only needing to get up to change the

occasional diaper and fix lunch and so on. I can leave my blinds closed, leave my bedroom door open, keep the light in my room off and be a

mom from the comfort of my bed. I could. I’ve been on medications forever now it seems, even adjusted the dosing after Conner’s passing and

it does help to keep me balanced and motivated most of the time. but beyond that, I have to realize each and every day that depression is now

going to be a very regular part of my life. it is one of the grieving steps that I have to walk thru over and over again. I have to learn to

accept it as a new part of my life and learn to function and live with it there. I have to consciously realize that no amount of depression

or anxiety medication will ever make missing my son a teeny bit easier. it won’t. I have to cut myself a HUGE chunk of slack…I have to

learn to be ok with where I’m at. Someday’s I won’t get out of bed for very long, but I will still be physically there for my kids, awake in my

bed, yet my soul will be sleeping…I have to be ok with that. I’m not supermom, nor am I even the same Sarah I once was. Searching for the

point to get up and do things most days is so different then who I used to be. None of it means I love my family anyless then I did

before Conner flew away from us. I have to give myself a break from expectations. Grieving is ugly. It is hard. It is messy. It is angry,

depressing, screaming and crying. It is organized chaos. It is the hardest job any mom has to take on. Pushing past the initial fog that

took over me after he first left us was hard work. I knew it was only temporary, that it was only a matter of time before the comfortableness

of his passing left me. and I knew in my that very soon it would become a mess. that soon I would have to give up the me as I knew

myself to be to find a way to move forward in this journey of grief. I knew I would have to be ok with losing friends, losing my job as

caretaker to my amazing son, lose the outlook and perspective I held as truth for my life, I would have to embrace change and pain and try

to find a way to mend my brokenness.

everything is different now.

every relationship is different and constantly changing and evolving.

each and everyday is harder then the one just before it.

each and every lesson I learn is more painful then the one just before it.

I don’t know at all who Sarah is, or will become.

I don’t know the purpose behind this pain.

all I know is I have faith…which by definition is belief in things unseen.

God.

He will get me to tomorrow if that is His plan.

I still love Him thru this storm, but make no mistake…our relationship has taken a HUGE leap of faith these days. I have to tell myself that

He brought me to it, so He will bring me thru it even when I don’t believe He will or can. I struggle knowing that He had the ability to

save Conner yet chose not to. I have to be ok that He caused this pain in my soul and my heart. and it is difficult sometimes. but faith in

what is unseen is what gets me thru it. Grace is what makes it a fraction easier.

I hate going to visit Conner at a cold, and wet cemetary, I hate that my thoughts often drift to where his body is now, and how it must look.

I hate that as a mom there is nothing I can do to take away this pain from my living children. I try to delight in each red sunrise or

sunset, in each red lego, or every red piece of anything that just shows up in my day…but it also angers me. that’s all I have left of him

right now. and it’s not enough. it’s not ok. I have to relearn boundaries in relationships and try to redefine some relationships that no

longer hold much in common any longer. I have to keep a level head and try to not react to each attack thrown at me or my family. I have

nothing but my own and my families own salvation on my mind and on the line now. our living family of 4 needs to one day be that

beautiful family of 5 again one day.

that’s all that matters.

that’s all that hurts me.

that’s all that motivates me.

it all comes down to faith.

I have to be ok with this ache. this depression. this pain. this fear. this plan. this blessing. this path. this 5 minus a beautiful 1, even though

it’s the last thing I wanted life to be. a life without him. a mom without her son. a woman without those she held dear. a person without the

friendships that I once thrived on, that I counted on. a woman of faith being ok with Gods call to be more…and to be open to the pain, to

find a way to gracefully walk thru this to fulfill whatever the plan on my life that He has. A wife learning to redefine a marriage to a man

in equal amounts of pain and suffering, and that one is not easy.

purpose

passion

faith

grace

depression

grief

pain

without

desperate

lonely

isolated

hopeful

loving

molding

creating

these are what define me now…

change hurts like hell

Missing him hurts like hell…

Life without him hurts like hell…

and trusting (faith) in this pain hurts like hell…

but I am choosing to endure it at the hope of being with him again one day

and having all this pain taken away…

for all eternity.

Love Love Love you bubby…missing you desperately

Mommy

A Breath away...

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

No Halloween when my superhero’s gone

Wish I had more encouraging things to say

but I do not.

Halloween is a time where our 3 sons dress in theme…

and go Trick or Treating together.

All 3 of them.

But not this year.

And it broke my heart even farther apart.

There’s no Halloween w/o my SUPERHERO…Conner