My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Oh how HE loves us…

My heart is full and raw and open.

I’m missing him intensely. Painfully. Fully. Always. Constantly.

Crying is the new “norm” and I’m completely fine with falling into tears at the least expected moment.

Why shouldn’t I?

My warrior lost his battle.

I fought and I tried and I argued, and I battled right alongside him.

I held his hands when he was scared.

I hugged him when he cried.

I comforted him when he had to get yet another “pokey”.

I questioned the Doctors, I sought 2nd opinions, going to Dr’s far and wide for opinions.

anything.

I did what any mother would’ve done for their child.

but it wasn’t enough.

I would’ve fought for him until my last breath.

I would’ve hopped on a table and given him my very own lungs.

I would’ve shielded him from pain.

you name it.

I would’ve done it.

But none of that matters now it seems.

It’s in the past.

Each day I have to forgive myself for ever believing that what I NEEDED to happen was not what God wanted to happen.

for whatever reason.

and it’s so hard.

hard is the understatement of the universe actually.

it’s devestating.

I look at my husband, and my two living sons. They deserve the world.

we fought together, in some of the same ways but in many different ways.

I was away with Conner so much fighting for him…

but Brad was at home fighting to get out of bed to go to work to provide for our family.

Hunter was fighting to make sense of his brothers deteriorating health.

and Baby B was just fighting to figure out why mommy and daddy and brother were crying so much.

Those 3 boys are my hero’s.

How they held it all together is beyond me.

How they were ok to settle with phone conversations across the miles when most normal families are never apart as long nor as often as we were.

My living 4 deserve so much.

they deserve everything.

Connerman…put an extra bug in Gods ear for your daddy and two amazing brothers tonight please.

When our entire world was crumbeling down upon us slowly from January until the day you flew away from us sweet boy, not so long ago, yet FOREVER AGO…your daddy and brothers held it together.

for you.

for me.

for us.

I can hardly believe it’s been nearly 5 months already…why Lord doesn’t time stop for a moment after death?

So many lessons I’ve been learning these past few months. Some have been so obvious that I can’t believe I didn’t figure them out before. But death does that to you. And not just any death, but a very close, intimate, death. It forces you to confront your demons. It made me come face to face with my own salvation. Believing in God is much different now. He’s holding my son…and they’re collecting each and every one of my tears now on the other side, I have no choice but to get to them. my perspective has changed.

my priorities have changed.

God’s challenged each and every thing about ME…and for the most part I’m a whole new me now, nearly 5 months later.

Halloween was so difficult.

Brads bday on Veterans Day was so hard for him.

Thanksgiving is just a week and a half or so away…

then Christmas…

I just wish it’d fly by.

I am thankful, please don’t mistake this.

but I’m thankful for different things then most now.

So many people are doing the “what their thankful for” notes on Facebook or on their blogs but I can’t bring myself to do that.

not that I’m not thankful…

but because life is so not about the small stuff any longer.

my thanks are very intentional.

very personal.

very, intimate.

no longer general. like thank god for my health. because what is health? it is an absolute blessing to have health, for this I’m sure…because I am in excellent health but my son never was…not one day of his 7 year life was healthy. healthiness doesn’t matter.

see I feel that we tend to focus on the wrong things…health is subjective.

it’s all part of a bigger part of Gods plan.

so if He’s called one to be healthy, and one to fight a disease…even the one fighting the disease should be thankful for the disease…because in ways they can never imagine it is a very important part of God plan of glory. His glory.

(I’m still learning to accept all of this so please don’t think I’m a teeny bit good at all this)…

but truly…look at your life. then look at your neighbors.

if your house is dumpy and your neighbors is pristine…you should be just as thankful for your dump as they are their home. life will never make sense. our circumstances will never make sense. our struggles will never make sense. our pain will never make sense. none of it. it’s all meaningless if we don’t realize that EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT is for Gods Glory.

so more than being thankful for your children…or more than being thankful for your car or your “blessings” be thankful for your trials. be thankful for your tribulations.

they are character building. they develop faith…and perserverance. they develop humility. humbleness.

more than that they develop your way of thinking to be more empathetic and more like God intended for us to be.

see it’s not about us.

god doesn’t give all these blessings to make us feel good…he does them so we use them to glorify HIM.

So if I made a list today of whats in my heart to be thankful for…as much as it sucks…heres what it’d be.

1. I’m thankful that long before I was ever born you knew I would need you to get thru these days I’m living rightnow

2. I’m so thankful that Conner is with you, that the painful life you chose for him is finished, his earthly work is done and he is sitting beside you now breathing deeply and knowing that he did a job well done.

3. I’m thankful for all this pain. it is developing the greatness and passion in me that I never would’ve found living in my comfortable life prior to the pain.

4. I’m thankful for the plan you have for my family. love, joy, anger, pain, tears…all of it. especially the pain though…because truly if you can live thru it and not break to it, you not only glory God but it truly make you a million times stronger than you were before…ready to face the next part of the journey God has designed for you…

5. and Lord…I’m so thankful that life isn’t always perfectly happy and easy. Don’t get me wrong…I’d love for Conner to be back with me…but knowing this pain we’re facing and realizing that I’m strong enough to still live THRU it…I can only imagine what YOU have in store for me next…

cus God…you are SO GOOD…even in pain Lord…you are so good!

I sing this many times a day and I feel it to my bones and it moves me to tears each time…God…you LOVE US SO…

 

In all the pain…Oh how he LOVES us…

Love Love Love

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing, this post really hit to my heart. My husband decided to cancel all christmas celebrations after he seen me breakdown in the store every time I saw anything holiday. Originally I protested saying I can't hide away all holidays, but sometimes you know it's okay. I know that is harder with having other children but I do know other parents with other children who are doing the same. So if you don't go all out, don't feel guilty just do what you can. God Bless our children who get to have their first holiday celebrations above.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There are times in life when it's so difficult to see the blessings, because in comparison to the pain they seem so small, but they're there. This post spoke to me. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is my favorite song Sarah! Hang in there, we are all praying for your family! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sarah this song brings tears to my eyes but I love it. I am still praying for you all daily.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Did You Know....

There are over 100,000 people, the size of a small city, on the transplant list in the US.

There were less than 10,000 deceased organ donors in the US last year. (that's a ratio of 1 organ donor to every 10 transplant patients).

In the time it takes you to shower today, 1 new name is added to the US transplant waiting list.

From the time you woke up this morning to the time you wake up tomorrow morning, 18 people will die waiting for their transplant in the US.

click here to join the organ donation registry

BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR, SAVE A LIFE!