My heart is full and raw and open.
I’m missing him intensely. Painfully. Fully. Always. Constantly.
Crying is the new “norm” and I’m completely fine with falling into tears at the least expected moment.
Why shouldn’t I?
My warrior lost his battle.
I fought and I tried and I argued, and I battled right alongside him.
I held his hands when he was scared.
I hugged him when he cried.
I comforted him when he had to get yet another “pokey”.
I questioned the Doctors, I sought 2nd opinions, going to Dr’s far and wide for opinions.
I did what any mother would’ve done for their child.
but it wasn’t enough.
I would’ve fought for him until my last breath.
I would’ve hopped on a table and given him my very own lungs.
I would’ve shielded him from pain.
you name it.
I would’ve done it.
But none of that matters now it seems.
It’s in the past.
Each day I have to forgive myself for ever believing that what I NEEDED to happen was not what God wanted to happen.
for whatever reason.
and it’s so hard.
hard is the understatement of the universe actually.
I look at my husband, and my two living sons. They deserve the world.
we fought together, in some of the same ways but in many different ways.
I was away with Conner so much fighting for him…
but Brad was at home fighting to get out of bed to go to work to provide for our family.
Hunter was fighting to make sense of his brothers deteriorating health.
and Baby B was just fighting to figure out why mommy and daddy and brother were crying so much.
Those 3 boys are my hero’s.
How they held it all together is beyond me.
How they were ok to settle with phone conversations across the miles when most normal families are never apart as long nor as often as we were.
My living 4 deserve so much.
they deserve everything.
Connerman…put an extra bug in Gods ear for your daddy and two amazing brothers tonight please.
When our entire world was crumbeling down upon us slowly from January until the day you flew away from us sweet boy, not so long ago, yet FOREVER AGO…your daddy and brothers held it together.
I can hardly believe it’s been nearly 5 months already…why Lord doesn’t time stop for a moment after death?
So many lessons I’ve been learning these past few months. Some have been so obvious that I can’t believe I didn’t figure them out before. But death does that to you. And not just any death, but a very close, intimate, death. It forces you to confront your demons. It made me come face to face with my own salvation. Believing in God is much different now. He’s holding my son…and they’re collecting each and every one of my tears now on the other side, I have no choice but to get to them. my perspective has changed.
my priorities have changed.
God’s challenged each and every thing about ME…and for the most part I’m a whole new me now, nearly 5 months later.
Halloween was so difficult.
Brads bday on Veterans Day was so hard for him.
Thanksgiving is just a week and a half or so away…
I just wish it’d fly by.
I am thankful, please don’t mistake this.
but I’m thankful for different things then most now.
So many people are doing the “what their thankful for” notes on Facebook or on their blogs but I can’t bring myself to do that.
not that I’m not thankful…
but because life is so not about the small stuff any longer.
my thanks are very intentional.
no longer general. like thank god for my health. because what is health? it is an absolute blessing to have health, for this I’m sure…because I am in excellent health but my son never was…not one day of his 7 year life was healthy. healthiness doesn’t matter.
see I feel that we tend to focus on the wrong things…health is subjective.
it’s all part of a bigger part of Gods plan.
so if He’s called one to be healthy, and one to fight a disease…even the one fighting the disease should be thankful for the disease…because in ways they can never imagine it is a very important part of God plan of glory. His glory.
(I’m still learning to accept all of this so please don’t think I’m a teeny bit good at all this)…
but truly…look at your life. then look at your neighbors.
if your house is dumpy and your neighbors is pristine…you should be just as thankful for your dump as they are their home. life will never make sense. our circumstances will never make sense. our struggles will never make sense. our pain will never make sense. none of it. it’s all meaningless if we don’t realize that EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT is for Gods Glory.
so more than being thankful for your children…or more than being thankful for your car or your “blessings” be thankful for your trials. be thankful for your tribulations.
they are character building. they develop faith…and perserverance. they develop humility. humbleness.
more than that they develop your way of thinking to be more empathetic and more like God intended for us to be.
see it’s not about us.
god doesn’t give all these blessings to make us feel good…he does them so we use them to glorify HIM.
So if I made a list today of whats in my heart to be thankful for…as much as it sucks…heres what it’d be.
1. I’m thankful that long before I was ever born you knew I would need you to get thru these days I’m living rightnow
2. I’m so thankful that Conner is with you, that the painful life you chose for him is finished, his earthly work is done and he is sitting beside you now breathing deeply and knowing that he did a job well done.
3. I’m thankful for all this pain. it is developing the greatness and passion in me that I never would’ve found living in my comfortable life prior to the pain.
4. I’m thankful for the plan you have for my family. love, joy, anger, pain, tears…all of it. especially the pain though…because truly if you can live thru it and not break to it, you not only glory God but it truly make you a million times stronger than you were before…ready to face the next part of the journey God has designed for you…
5. and Lord…I’m so thankful that life isn’t always perfectly happy and easy. Don’t get me wrong…I’d love for Conner to be back with me…but knowing this pain we’re facing and realizing that I’m strong enough to still live THRU it…I can only imagine what YOU have in store for me next…
cus God…you are SO GOOD…even in pain Lord…you are so good!
I sing this many times a day and I feel it to my bones and it moves me to tears each time…God…you LOVE US SO…
In all the pain…Oh how he LOVES us…
Love Love Love