My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Different dining tables…

Last year was the last year, Thanksgiving will ever come and go and not include sadness. I am slowly accepting that.

I am thankful in my heart, please don’t misunderstand. but pain overshadows it. I think of Conner and see that beautiful smile that was always on his face and I know he is where he is supposed to be. in a heaven where oxygen and IV’s, and medications don’t exist. I got to thinking about how different things are this Thanksgiving. Last year we had just gotten out of the hospital from another lung infection…and after having “the talk” with one of his pulmonologists…and Brad and I decided to shake it up a bit.


Our home, our own family of 5…just us. We actually wound up eating a make shift Turkey dinner…but people dropped them by for us…so that was better than pizza! we stayed in our jammies all day, played video games, snuggled and just took time to love each other.

I am SO glad we did that. because this year we cannot…



We had popcorn for lunch that day too…we just filled it with love and left all the unimportant stuff out. Conner made each of us placecards at the hospital…andf we ate on our finest Chinet china…we were a family…it was beautiful….




Then I think about how this year, we will not be eating at our table. How we will not be in our jammies all day (but we will leading up til we have to leave), how everything will just feel so different.

I think about the Thanksgiving table Conner has moved up to.


My mind wonders which new friend or what family members he will surround himself with this year…this is who I think

Grandpa Ben

Grandpa Ken

Great Auntie Sis

GG Shirley

GG Emma whom we never got to meet

Jenna Cassalina (and I KNOW they’re up to SOMETHING check your plates people!)

Angie Mogren (whose probably acting innocent but is truly the ringleader of the trio)

and I’m sure SO MANY more.

Because they’re sitting at the biggest table we could ever fathom.

This year Conner gets to sit with JESUS…

wow! that is powerful statement. Jesus himself. Because we all know how much Jesus loves the children…so I just KNOW he’s gonna be at the kiddie table.

sitting there in his presence…free from pain and the suffering of simply breathing…

I’m so happy for him.

I’m trying my best to have a thankful heart. well, let me rephrase that, I am trying my best to let my thankful heart shine THRU the pain that’s clouding over it. I hope it shows at least a little bit…but I know it’s there and that’s all that counts.

my facebook is filled with love today from across the country…my phone woke me up not to heartache, but to a wonderful friend Josh who told me how much our family means to his…and I am so thankful for that outpouring of love.

I try so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other…and I’ll get there…eventually.

but today, I pray that it’s a day about more than football.

a day about more than a turkey and pilgrims

a day where you can come as you are and feel free to eat off the finest chinet china $5 can buy you.

a day where your free to take off that mask of happiness and allow yourself to feel the loss and the pain that may be overshadowing your joy

a day where sending people notes of thankfulness isn’t JUST cus it’s Thanksgiving. But simply cus you felt it and meant it.

a holiday, is a holiday, is a holiday. each day should be thanksgiving…and my new perspective in life has shown me that.

I am thankful for that new perspective.

but I’m also so thankful that I know in my heart that this day is going to be so difficult…yet there will also be joy being in a new place, sitting at a new dining table, surrounded by different people who know at anytime we may have to leave…and its ok to do so.

I’m thankful for the few people in my life brave enough to allow me to truly feel the pain that I have to feel to keep moving towards a day where the knife stabbing my heart isn’t quite as sharp.

afterall…one cannot TRULY feel grateful if they’ve never felt PAIN first…so think on that today. what is the greatest pain you’ve faced and conquered…I bet you it will lead you to one of you GREATEST thankfullnesses…

To new dining tables for us all!

and thankfulness AND pain.

Love Love Love


1 comment:

  1. There is so much power behind everything that you write, you definitely have a way with words! I love your ability to put things into a new perspective for us all, and appreciate it! Love to you and your beautiful family!


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