My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, March 15, 2010

cry much?

so my therapist told me tonight that i don't cry enough. that i am not modeling for my children that emotions are ok and how to deal with them. so here's the thing....
i cry.
but on my own terms.
i happen to think that just because i'm not a blabbering mess all the time that it shouldn't mean that i dont cry. i do. but crying doesn't get 3 kids fed and going, or meds done, or feeds done, you know? so yes i do cry. but i feel that why waste precious time crying...and worrying about the future and conners declining health...because i could be spending that time making family memories right? you only get one shot!
but i think that just because i dont' cry to release my emotions doesn't mean i don't feel them. doesn't mean that i'm ok. doesn't mean that i'm not trying to deal with it all. it just means it's not me right now.
maybe i'll get there.
maybe i won't.
docs worried that if i dont allow myself to feel this grief right now, that if i keep pushing it to the side to get thru the day, that when that horrible time comes she's very afraid of what my reaction may be.
i can see that. makes sense.
but i guess for me...ya i know where we're heading, and i'll have all the time in the world once we get there to wallow in the grief of it all...and i do have days where i'm emotional and that i cry over stupid stuff and that i'm too stressed to see straight...but i don't wanna dwell in it. thats not who i am...
just cus i don't cry doesn't mean i have it all together...
but it also doesn't mean that i have a handle on it as well...
it simply means it's me.

3 comments:

  1. I think you're completely right. You're a mother first, and Sarah second. Conner is at such a fragile state, that the last thing he needs to see is his mother breaking down over what's happening to him. He needs strong parents, so he can be strong. Your boys need the same thing. When it comes time to be an emotional wreck, when Conner's finally able to breathe, THAT'S when you need to let your family know it's ok to cry. THAT's when you need to let them know that it's ok to be angry, happy, and sad all at the same time.

    That therapist hasn't been in your shoes. There's no way she can understand what you're truly going through. IMO she has no right to tell you how she thinks you *should* be feeling! God gave you Conner because you're strong enough to bear this for him. -- You're doing a great job Sarah. Don't let this lady upset you.

    Lots of hugs
    -Chelsea

    ReplyDelete
  2. Im not that much of a crier either... "There's no crying in Baseball" right ;)

    Keep on keeping on and being you! Xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Crying doesn't make sense when you're on the battlefield in the midst of gunfire. Cry if it feels good but don't add one more thing to your list: "Grieve." Sounds like you're grieving, even if it doesn't involve tears.

    bennettgamel.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

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