so my therapist told me tonight that i don't cry enough. that i am not modeling for my children that emotions are ok and how to deal with them. so here's the thing....
i cry.
but on my own terms.
i happen to think that just because i'm not a blabbering mess all the time that it shouldn't mean that i dont cry. i do. but crying doesn't get 3 kids fed and going, or meds done, or feeds done, you know? so yes i do cry. but i feel that why waste precious time crying...and worrying about the future and conners declining health...because i could be spending that time making family memories right? you only get one shot!
but i think that just because i dont' cry to release my emotions doesn't mean i don't feel them. doesn't mean that i'm ok. doesn't mean that i'm not trying to deal with it all. it just means it's not me right now.
maybe i'll get there.
maybe i won't.
docs worried that if i dont allow myself to feel this grief right now, that if i keep pushing it to the side to get thru the day, that when that horrible time comes she's very afraid of what my reaction may be.
i can see that. makes sense.
but i guess for me...ya i know where we're heading, and i'll have all the time in the world once we get there to wallow in the grief of it all...and i do have days where i'm emotional and that i cry over stupid stuff and that i'm too stressed to see straight...but i don't wanna dwell in it. thats not who i am...
just cus i don't cry doesn't mean i have it all together...
but it also doesn't mean that i have a handle on it as well...
it simply means it's me.
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There were less than 10,000 deceased organ donors in the US last year. (that's a ratio of 1 organ donor to every 10 transplant patients).
In the time it takes you to shower today, 1 new name is added to the US transplant waiting list.
From the time you woke up this morning to the time you wake up tomorrow morning, 18 people will die waiting for their transplant in the US.
click here to join the organ donation registry
BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR, SAVE A LIFE!
I think you're completely right. You're a mother first, and Sarah second. Conner is at such a fragile state, that the last thing he needs to see is his mother breaking down over what's happening to him. He needs strong parents, so he can be strong. Your boys need the same thing. When it comes time to be an emotional wreck, when Conner's finally able to breathe, THAT'S when you need to let your family know it's ok to cry. THAT's when you need to let them know that it's ok to be angry, happy, and sad all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThat therapist hasn't been in your shoes. There's no way she can understand what you're truly going through. IMO she has no right to tell you how she thinks you *should* be feeling! God gave you Conner because you're strong enough to bear this for him. -- You're doing a great job Sarah. Don't let this lady upset you.
Lots of hugs
-Chelsea
Im not that much of a crier either... "There's no crying in Baseball" right ;)
ReplyDeleteKeep on keeping on and being you! Xo
Crying doesn't make sense when you're on the battlefield in the midst of gunfire. Cry if it feels good but don't add one more thing to your list: "Grieve." Sounds like you're grieving, even if it doesn't involve tears.
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