My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Here we go again...

The past few days Conner has had this very random fever only in the evenings. He's done this before, and we couldn't figure out what was going on. He's been on his oral antibiotics for almost the 2 full weeks, with a week off prior to that, and then 2 weeks of orals before that as well...its been a crazy year, he's only had 2 weeks off of extra oral antibiotics or IV's. He is due to end his oral antibiotics tonight. But I think we're not out of the woods just yet.
Yesterd​ay he kept getting progressive​ly worse, and now today he's really out of breath, can't talk much, can't walk much, really can't breathe w/o 3 liters of oxygen lyeing down on the couch. not good. His oxygen rate has been low the past few days as well. I've put in a call to the CF nurse Ben, and I believe we'll be taking Conner back to be admitted to the hospital again. Such a bummer.
See, CF has a way of doing this, trying to destroy plans and our spirits. But little does it know, that I refuse to let it destroy my fight against it. Next Thursday night is the CF Foundations Chefs Dinner where I'm speaking my "hate" speach against CF and I will be there even if we're in the hospital. I will not let CF destroy my fundraising fight against it. no way. no how. While I completely respect CF for the demon that it is, I think it doesn't realize the demon fight in me to bring it to extinction. I think CF doesn't realize the determinati​on us mothers feel to protect our kids no matter the cost, the fight, and no matter the suffering.
I won't pretend that this doesn't hurt us as a family. It will devestate Hunter to be seperated again. It will make going to work almost impossible for my husband. It will bring me to my knees in pain to be away from my family again, and to watch Conner endure this pain. It's going to make it all "real" again. But I know we'll find a way to get thru it. Luckily for us, they have lifted the rule of no siblings on the hospital maybe the boys can come to visit us and that'll ease this pain and make the transition easier.
Well and more than that, maybe they'll find the perfect combination of medicines to get him well faster, and get us out of there and back home sooner. Nobody knows, only God. and I will just continue to rest in his plan.
I will keep you as updated as I can.

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