My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, June 7, 2010

Well here it is…

It’s been finished. Brad and I met with the funeral director last night to get the arrangements made for Conner’s future services. We were treated with great respect and compassion and I felt as if God was sitting in the empty seat that was at our planning table. Because I was so calm. So peaceful. So determined. Brad and I found a beautiful resting place for our beautiful son on a quiet corner in the section entitled “Soaring Heights” which fits our Conner perfectly. For just like his CF walk tshirts say…he soars high on angels wings…only God. He has a quiet corner plot so he won’t be crowded and it’s in a beautiful area overlooking the beautiful trees and others resting there as well. It truly doesn’t feel like a cemetery in that area, to me anyway. Brad and I will be laid to rest in Connermans same plot when our time comes. We’ve already made our arrangements as well, so it will be paid for, our kids will know our wishes and not have to worry over financial concerns, and our Conner boy will not be all alone…his mommy and daddy will be right there as well…it will be perfect.

001 that entire corner will be ours…

 

002it overlooks the areas below…

I cannot convey to you all how much we thank you for your prayers, support, and your financial help as well. I can’t imagine having these meetings without the means to pay for it all, funerals are terribly expensive. Our funeral director cut our price in a third since its a childs service. And we found an amazing woodsworker whose offered to make us a beautiful coffin for Conner, complete with our handprints on it as well as a custom painting on the side with a beautiful wood stained finish. It is breathtaking. God is so good.

Yesterday we also got an amazing gift from another church member…an edible treat for sure in Conners favorite toy theme…

001 Conner loves this Lego cake…and OH MY it is so delicious….it’s what we had for dinner tonight infact…so happy unbirthday to you Conner!

So Conner’s feeling ok. Having some anxiety and his breathing is worsening…but amazingly he is still smiling. He is truly remarkable. My hero for sure. He’s been using his bipap during the days as needed to help him catch his breath. He doesn’t sit up much. He says it’s too difficult to breathe sitting up. Cf sucks. His school’s field day is coming up this Wednesday and I’m going to try my best to get him there. He’s been talking about going forever now…and he hasn’t seen his school buddies since October. We’ve continued to extend his IV antibiotics since they provide comfort for him, and they’re not interfering with his life, or causing any bad side effects. I must admit I’m so glad to be done with those funeral meetings…the county coroner called me as well and gave me his personal number so that when Conner passes, we don’t have to call 911 and have firetrucks and police and ambulances arrive and cause us more stress…he will take care of it all for us. A huge blessing…truly Only God.

He promises to only give us what we can handle…and that if we take a step forward in faith for Him, that He will provide us with everything we need to accomplish His plans, his mission. Over and over he has proved to this to me. In our grief He has provided so much love and support and that makes all of this gloomy, unhappy nonsense so much easier…

blessings

6 comments:

  1. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. Elaine cf mom

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sarah, God IS there...just as you felt. He's holding you close - He won't let go. Just keep leaning into Him. You and the boys are on my mind constantly. I pray for a miracle..whatever that may be...even if that miracle is just peace.

    xo
    k.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Continue to think of you and the family constantly. In my prayers always, praying God will overwhelm you with love and peace as I have seen HE has.

    The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning as sure as the sunrise. Lamentations 3: 22-23

    ReplyDelete
  4. (((hugs))) your family is constantly in my prayers. My husband and I are going to be burried with our daughter as well, and that brings me a lot of comfort. I wish things didn't have to be the way they are, but small things to bring comfort. More (((hugs))) and more prayers. Jami (Deters) Kunz

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wish you weren't going through all of this but I am so glad that some of the details are being taken care of so you can focus on what matters most. Love to you all. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I too will be buried with my son that had CF that I lost at 26 years in 2000 - My heart is heavy because I know the pain you are feeling. Just know that thoughts, prayers and love is coming to you from Fort Worth, Texas......Shirley Relien

    ReplyDelete

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