Tomorrow marks the 24th.
Meaning he’s been away for 4 entire months already. I am so lonely. I feel like I’ve been filling my days with people that I love, doing things that I love, but still…in the depths of my spirit I’m so lonely. I feel empty. pretty sure it’s a new wonderful stage of this grief. my heart is just empty. these past four months I’ve had to say goodbye to some people in my life that I love, permanately and some temporarily. I’ve had to figure out how to grieve. I’ve struggled to make sense of this mess. I try desperately to be happy. to not fall into a dark hole of depression…if I’m honest here I’d say that somedays I’m teetering…barely hanging on. I’m so tired of each new day…saying goodbye to the one prior that was so much like the one just before that one and on and on. I’m tired of this. it is so hard to stay positive and happy.
because there are many days, and many parts during each of my days where I have to sit down and try to make sense of this pain. why is it here? why us? why conner? I wrestle with God and His plan. every single day. I just hate feeling so desperate. so unhappy. so empty. so alone. alone in a crowded room…people send me their love, text their support, I still get mail of encouragement, but…my soul is empty. my smile can’t make up for the unhappiness in my heart. that too is fading. I’m sick of the charade. I’m sick of all of this. the pain of losing Conner intensifies each day, it knocks me to my knees in pain each day. each and every day. so why in the world would I want to get out of bed? why would I want to keep smiling? I can’t in this grief understand how Job could keep praising and trusting 110% in his pain. My heart loves God and believes in him and his love, but there is still a huge human part of me that screams ENOUGH!
This isnt something that I can ever expect to get over. losing a child isn’t something one could ever get over…simply get thru…if that even makes sense. I have no idea what I will feel tomorrow…hell I have no idea what I will feel in 20 minutes from now. I still smile and play with my kids, and joke and share laughter with my husband and my close friends, but that’s only the surface layer of me. I think of myself now more like an onion…how dumb…I know. but it fits. my top layer is thin…surface…it will smile and laugh and try to make the best of each moment that I can…Lord knows I don’t wanna give into all these horrible feelings of pain and hurt. but if you were to go down a few layers…you’d see pain…you’d see despair…cutting into that truth would bring you to tears with the smell of desperation and pain.
I feel like the oldest 30 year old in the world.
the holidays are coming…my husbands birthday is coming…I tell you my mind just races back to one year ago. about this time I was sitting down to start the first of MANY discussions with the CF team about Conner’s deteriorating health. almost one year ago I started writing in this blog for sanity. one year ago he was oxygen free during the day. he was still well for a few weeks at a time…instead of maybe one week tops. One year ago we got their Halloween costumes…our 3 sons…
Conner was Darth Vader, hunter was a clone trooper and baby B was Yoda…we were a family of 5…LIVING 5…
a year ago we were starting the planning for Conner’s Make a Wish trip with his wish fairies…
here we come to the holidays…I don’t know how we’re going to make it thru these next few months. I miss my son. so much. my entire life is shattered beyond recognition. I wish I had no responsibilities so I could simply sit at home and try to come to terms with this monumental loss. I cannot wait to ask God why…why why why. I fought day in and day out, around the clock for conner. I scheduled and took him to each appointment, I held his hand thru his pain. I did every single thing I could for him…and now it doesn’t matter. I’m supposed to just move on and get “over” it. I can never. never. I will never again be full, complete…truly happy until I get to heaven. I’ll make the most of my time here like ive been doing. I love my husband and my children and we will just keep trudging forward, one foot in front of the other…but all of us collectively won’t feel complete until we’re all together again. theres a HUGE gap in our lives. in our house. in our each and every moment. hunters crying more. he’s acting out more. baby B talks of Conner so much. Stares at his pictures and dances to his songs. brad cries himself to sleep many nights…I do as well. I’m not sure how he functions thru each day while he’s at work…for me…every single moment I’m awake im surrounded by his memory and my failure. and it’s a hard pill to swallow most days. it’s too much pain to even put into words. I lost my son who was so sick and medically fragile, and that I fought for from 4 months pregnant…and it just wasn’t ever going to be enough. and that hurts like hell…hurts so much.
I keep looking at the pictures of his last few weeks….
my heart just aches…
(this one KILLS me!)
(the day before he passed…)
(the day he left us…the longest day of my entire life!)
(early in the day with my FUCF shirt on)
one moment here…..the next minute…
gone…………
and my heart just can’t move forward….
love love love
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteIf I could I would just wrap my arms around you and give you the tightest longest hug, like that of a best friend who just knows that you need quiet love and support. I am just so sorry.
I don't know what it is like to loose a child or to have a child so medically fragile. My Aryia has CF also, and is heading in for an admit, but she has never been through even a fraction of what your sweet Connerman went through. I just hate CF and wish beyond anything that this is not a reality for some of my fellow CF Mommies.
Sending so much love and prayers to help lift you up.
-Beth
Death is part of life. But, with all our being we know that it's not suppose to be. It is not natural. But, the unnatural result of sin in the world. Our souls cry out when death touches our lives. I lost a dear friend last week after she fought six long years with Lou Garrigs Disease (ALS). She leaves behind a husband and four small, beautiful children. Death has been defeated though. And, our souls long for the completeness that is Christ. I know you know all I've said here. But, that is our only hope. Our hope and certainty is in Christ. One day, I will rejoice with you and yours in heaven. And, I will see that amazing spirit you long to embrace once again........and praise Jesus.........you KNOW you will. I pray comfort and rest for you dear Sarah.......
ReplyDeleteSara, the beautiful picture of you two that you say "kills you" will bring you great joy someday. Look for the joy in what you have had and what you have. Hang on hard to that. Connor would want no part in that moment you shared causing you anything but love, love, love.
ReplyDelete♥s! I'm sure you didn't fail him and he doesn't believe you failed him and G-d doesn't seem it as you failing! You are a force to be reckoned with and have proven to be a tough fighter who can get to a deep darkness and still make a way for the sun to shine through. Tough day... but like all others you're here and you're alive and you can KNOW that you loved your son as much as possible!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I am finally going to say it (and only because I have lost a child myself) it's okay to be angry at God. I was furious. You deserve to be so freakin' angry at God right now. Look at what you did for your Connerman! Look what a precious boy he was! No parent deserves to have their child ripped away from them. No one. So yes, I blamed God. I blamed Him that I gave birth at 25 weeks and I blamed Him for the fact that my dear Noah never left the NICU. I didn't feel guilty about it either. My husband was a little worried but I said, "Hell no! I am mad at Him and have every right to be!" Well, you know what? In that way, I did feel better. I had somewhere to put the anger and rage that I felt. Oh yeah, and you know what? I became even closer to God then ever :). It's okay, Sarah! BE ANGRY!!! Just don't be angry at yourself and again don't ever think that you failed Conner. Ever ever ever!!! BIG BIG BIG BIG HUGS!!! Actually now that I think about it, there is a passage somewhere in the Bible which mentions the unfairness of God taking children from their mothers. I don't know where. All I do know is that is was there. I heard it said once and bawled my eyes out.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, and I also want to apologize in advance if I offend anyone by the above statements. I say it only because I have been through it.
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
ReplyDelete