I’ve been stuck in bed so much since Saturday afternoon that I’m sore from just laying…I was able to sleep most of the time which is wonderful but there were many times all I could do was lay there, awake…thinking.
about my passions, my dreams, my hopes…
It was too much time to just sit and think. Especially when Conners face is what I wake up to in 16x20 on my wall facing my bed. His smiling face as I love to remember it most…
well…without the oxygen tubes would’ve been nicer, but this is just how he was to me. How he will always be to me. Smiling in the midst of tremendous adversity and pain. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to not be able to breathe for so long. I can not imagine what it was like to get that huge push pin needle poked into his port so often for IV meds. Or sitting on the couch, watching your siblings run outside and play while your stuck in doing treatment after treatment, knowing that you couldn’t keep up anyway. I just can’t imagine that.
and yet he smiled…
I just can’t accept that he’s gone. as in really gone.
seems it was just yesterday we were still in the fight. it really does. time has passed so quickly, yet its passed so slowly as well. bizarre.
but i miss him.
it’s hard having all these firsts happen over and over. it makes me miss him more.
we went to the pumpkin patch this past weekend, without him. I remembered him carrying that big pumpkin at Spooner farms at 3 yrs old saying “heady big pumpkin mama heady big” which obviously is how he said heavy. it played in my mind over and over again. he wasn’t there. But we managed to push thru and enjoy the afternoon (before I landed in bed with the flu that is)…we got 5 pumpkins…a white one for our angel boy…
(left to right, daddy, mama, conner, hunter and baby b)
There was no way we’d go and not get 5 pumpkins…when we saw the Boo pumpkins (white ones) we knew right away that was perfect for Conner. We bought two mini pumpkins as well and took them to his grave. One orange, one white.
I think having the flu really made me stop and think about life and whats been going on the past few months and I spent alot of time soul searching amidst dreaming in la la land…I feel good about the choices that I’ve made and I feel good about where we are headed as a family of 5 minus a beautiful 1. It still hurts fiercely, and my emotions run the gammit day in and day out…but I just trust that one day this will all make sense, and God will get to pour out my bucket of tears that He’s been collecting and He’ll reunite me with Connerman…which makes all the pain in this life worth it.
Love Love Love