It feels so long since I last saw him. Since I last heard his sweet voice, or held him close, or laid next to him in his hospital bed. It feels like forever since I heard that familiar buzzing of oxygen in my house, or the neb constantly going, or the Vest machine going, or meds to fix, needles…all of it. I think not having those things each day is what really compounds the loss. Brad had to work to provide for our family, so most of this fell on my shoulders, not all, Brad took the night shift on IV’s and stayed over when he could at the hospital…but Conner (and the other boys as well) was my full time job. Especially since about January on. I remember calling Make a Wish to see what would happen if Conner passed away while we were in Hawaii…yet he fought thru it. He had about a month after that trip where he was IV free, and feeling pretty well. But then it all caught up to him again. From about February until the day he flew to Jesus his care was around the clock. Pictures are now landmarks to me. I look at the dates on them, sometimes not believing that a particular picture was taken a week, or two weeks, etc before he left us. It was just so sudden, yet it wasn’t. The regrets in my mind are huge. HUGE. I wish I’d known. I wish I could’ve seen what everyone close to me could see. But a mother’s eyes don’t work that way…what we see gets funneled thru our hearts and our minds tell us we’re overreacting. But now I know that I can never get that precious time back. That for the rest of my life in the back of my mind I will replay what I WISH i could’ve done OVER AND OVER…what I should’ve done.
I still can’t believe he’s gone.
That he’s not coming home.
I crawl into bed each night remembering how Brad and I held him and each other the last 10 minutes of his life. That’s precious time I’ll never get back. EVER. I hope that I said everything to him that I needed him to know. I hope he knew in his heart how much I loved him. How much it killed me to let him go, yet how grateful I was that he would no longer struggle and suffer in pain. I hope he knew that I tried everything I could to save him. I called Dr’s around the country, I took him to many specialists, I even called and looked into alternative medicines. I needed to try everything I could for him. All the while I wonder if he could see thru my smile. If he knew my pain and my constant worry.
I don’t think losing a child at any age is more devastating than any other. I know of people who’ve lost their babies while they were pregnant with them, or shortly after birth, or a week later, or at 42…the pain is just the same. Yet in this pain it’s easy to feel cheated. That God cheated me away from more time. Honestly, there would never be enough time. I wished that the plan was for our child to grow old like he’s supposed to. Yet, I’m so thankful that I got so much time with Conner. Most of it was spent fighting for his life, a job that I had my PhD in and I took seriously. Literally a job of life or death. I know I couldn’t have saved him. It wasn’t God’s plan for whatever reason (I may never know it this side of Glory), but I tried. I tried so hard. That’s why I feel someday’s like I should’ve done more. Found another Dr, got another 2nd opinion, searched for more medications, just done more.
That day that he died…I still can’t even think about it. I’m so thankful that I blogged about it, so one day I can look back to remember…but right now i still can’t. It’s everything in me to try to not get lost in grief. I have flashbacks from that day…and its more like a nightmare. I can’t believe how calm Brad and I were that day, it really surprises me. Denial big time and i thank God that He did that for us. We rearranged our furniture in our living room recently, which is nice because then we’re not contantly looking at where Conner would be sitting etc. One small change makes a huge difference. But it’s just devastating.
I feel so weak, so lost without him, and such a failure to him.
i know there was nothing I could’ve done to save him…I just hope I loved him enough while he was here…
Love Love Love