My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Friday, October 15, 2010

I hope I loved enough…

It feels so long since I last saw him. Since I last heard his sweet voice, or held him close, or laid next to him in his hospital bed. It feels like forever since I heard that familiar buzzing of oxygen in my house, or the neb constantly going, or the Vest machine going, or meds to fix, needles…all of it. I think not having those things each day is what really compounds the loss. Brad had to work to provide for our family, so most of this fell on my shoulders, not all, Brad took the night shift on IV’s and stayed over when he could at the hospital…but Conner (and the other boys as well) was my full time job. Especially since about January on. I remember calling Make a Wish to see what would happen if Conner passed away while we were in Hawaii…yet he fought thru it. He had about a month after that trip where he was IV free, and feeling pretty well. But then it all caught up to him again. From about February until the day he flew to Jesus his care was around the clock. Pictures are now landmarks to me. I look at the dates on them, sometimes not believing that a particular picture was taken a week, or two weeks, etc before he left us. It was just so sudden, yet it wasn’t. The regrets in my mind are huge. HUGE. I wish I’d known. I wish I could’ve seen what everyone close to me could see. But a mother’s eyes don’t work that way…what we see gets funneled thru our hearts and our minds tell us we’re overreacting. But now I know that I can never get that precious time back. That for the rest of my life in the back of my mind I will replay what I WISH i could’ve done OVER AND OVER…what I should’ve done.

I still can’t believe he’s gone.

That he’s not coming home.

I crawl into bed each night remembering how Brad and I held him and each other the last 10 minutes of his life. That’s precious time I’ll never get back. EVER. I hope that I said everything to him that I needed him to know. I hope he knew in his heart how much I loved him. How much it killed me to let him go, yet how grateful I was that he would no longer struggle and suffer in pain. I hope he knew that I tried everything I could to save him. I called Dr’s around the country, I took him to many specialists, I even called and looked into alternative medicines. I needed to try everything I could for him. All the while I wonder if he could see thru my smile. If he knew my pain and my constant worry.

I don’t think losing a child at any age is more devastating than any other. I know of people who’ve lost their babies while they were pregnant with them, or shortly after birth, or a week later, or at 42…the pain is just the same. Yet in this pain it’s easy to feel cheated. That God cheated me away from more time. Honestly, there would never be enough time. I wished that the plan was for our child to grow old like he’s supposed to. Yet, I’m so thankful that I got so much time with Conner. Most of it was spent fighting for his life, a job that I had my PhD in and I took seriously. Literally a job of life or death. I know I couldn’t have saved him. It wasn’t God’s plan for whatever reason (I may never know it this side of Glory), but I tried. I tried so hard. That’s why I feel someday’s like I should’ve done more. Found another Dr, got another 2nd opinion, searched for more medications, just done more.

That day that he died…I still can’t even think about it. I’m so thankful that I blogged about it, so one day I can look back to remember…but right now i still can’t. It’s everything in me to try to not get lost in grief. I have flashbacks from that day…and its more like a nightmare. I can’t believe how calm Brad and I were that day, it really surprises me. Denial big time and i thank God that He did that for us. We rearranged our furniture in our living room recently, which is nice because then we’re not contantly looking at where Conner would be sitting etc. One small change makes a huge difference. But it’s just devastating.

I feel so weak, so lost without him, and such a failure to him.

i know there was nothing I could’ve done to save him…I just hope I loved him enough while he was here…

005

 

Love Love Love

9 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah he knew how much you loved him and he still does. All you had to do was look at his pictures past the paleness past the machines, tubes etc it's in his eyes how very happy and loved he was.

    I'm so sorry that you and your family are and will continue to go through this and I know as a mother you are feeling way more than anyone else can.

    All of you are in my thoughts constantly. I really wish there was more that I could do for you to help your hurt and pain.

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  2. You loved him and fought for him with every fiber of your being. Go easy on yourself Sarah. Love and prayers

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  3. Your words are beautiful. I admire your ability to put into words your experiences, feelings and thoughts. Never doubt! Conner knows you loved him more than humanly possible.

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  4. You loved him more than words can say. He knew that and he knew you would do anything for him and for the rest of your family. God knew that you would do the best job for Conner, that is why he was given to you and your husband.

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  5. He knew Sarah... really, he knew ♥♥♥

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  6. Every single picture of you and Conner radiates joy. He absolutely knew and knows that his mother loves him more than words can ever say.

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  7. Perhaps your job wasn't to save him... perhaps it was to only love him for the time he was here. I am sure he knows how much you love him. They always know. And besides, he sees you from Heaven. He knows.

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  8. I can't imagine anyone loving more than you do.. . Don't be hard on you. I just got through doing this to me. I told my non CF son about CF the other day and totally melted down. Then I remembered that everything happens according to God's plan. God gave Connerman to you because he knew you would love him perfectly. And you did. And you do.

    And with this child sent from above
    comes stronger faith and richer love . . .

    from the verse Heaven's Child. You are such a good mom. Blessings to you.

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  9. This brings tears to my eyes. I've said the exact same words, I hope I loved her enough, I hope she knew she was my world and I to feel like a failure. ((hugs mama)) i wish i had some better words to say to you but instead my words desert me.

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