its that dreaded day.
I won’t even pretend it was ok.
cus it wasn’t.
brad stayed at my dads last night to go to the Seahawks game today…so last night, Hunter and I snuggled in my bed together…my heart was so heavy. we got up and got dressed and out the door to the first service at church. the church Conners service was at. it’s still hard to go there, but I’m trying. we dropped baby B at the nursery and went to the sanctuary. we were greeted with such love and our pastor hugged Hunter and I. Hunter chose our spot kinda towards the back…and he dove into his coloring bag the church has for the kids…he drew our family…even conner…it was beautiful. After the kids were dismissed to their Sunday School time, I just felt so alone. Not even that I was sitting alone, because that doesn’t bother me at all…but my heart felt empty. pastor spoke his message and kept locking eyes with me…once again I spent the entire service crying. not even just a tear or two…the ugly cry with the snot and the red, blotchy eyes. Pastor kept saying how much God loves each of us. That’s not news to me…but I needed to be reminded of that today. he led us in a song and one of the lyrics said something like “theres no one in heaven I long to be with but you…” and I couldn’t sing that. because I don’t mean it. He’s not the only person I want to see in heaven. I want to see my son. I need to see my son. I really feel such a heaviness in my spirit. nothing out of darkness or anger, I simply miss my son…DESPERATLY.
Normal everyday activities are no longer normal.
not one thing in our lives has been unaffected.
the simplest of tasks leads my heart to sadness.
getting up and out the door to church in just 30 minutes seems like a miracle for some…for me it’s a slap in my face. when conner was here we could NEVER get out of the house in less than an hour upon waking up. he had meds and nebs and treatments and probably IV’s…so to get out of the house with such ease and speed isn’t cause for celebration, it’s unsettling.
loading two boys into the car and not 3…
watching Hunter leave for childrens church is great, but my Connerman would’ve sat with me during the service. He would’ve loved me to hold him in my arms during worship. He would’ve rested upon my lap during the pastors lesson. but he wasn’t there…
driving to Portland after church to pick up flooring with my two boys…it never would’ve fit if Conner was still alive and we needed room for 3 carseats. that just sucks.
arriving home from Portland to a backyard of people there from our church to help us finish projects that had to go on hold during these horrible few months…that was heart warming and heart wrenching at the same time. These are projects we could’ve completed ourselves had God not taken Conner…
right now our house is so quiet.
no oxygen concentrator buzzing.
no pari nebs blazing with a $5000 life saving drug.
no Conner laying on his favorite spot on the couch watching a show or playing Wii. Or snuggling me in my bed.
my eyes are constantly stinging with the threat of tears…any one word or any one remembrance will trigger enough tears to flood all of Washington.
A constant lump in my throat that makes it near impossible to swallow…it’s a constant reminder that he’s gone…
my body’s on edge always.
it’s always ready to cry.
to sink into my seat or slither back into bed and just sleep all this away.
so…God loves me????
He sees all this pain, all this suffering and he loves ME???
He absolutely does.
To see it, is a choice.
Each and every blessing is from Him…the sunshine, a favorite song on the radio just when I need it…a diaper without poopy in it when it’d be just enough to throw me over the edge (TMI I’m sure)…you name it. I know he loves me. and I know I love him.
but it doesn’t make any of this better.
or less painful.
it is so hard for me to look at pictures of him lately. cus I see exactly what I miss the most. I see that little warrior that I love so much more than I ever dreamed possible. that young soul who changed so many peoples lives, and led many to Gods kingdom. I see that beautiful boy that I carried, nurtured, showered with love, hugs and kisses…fully knowing that his time would be shorter than average…but never knew it’d be done so soon.
it’s much easier to simply think of Conner abstractly. the pain is less intense that way. but seeing him in a picture makes it so much more real….
not one single thing is the same anymore…
not one activity can be accomplished without thinking of him.
there are not many moments in each day where hes not on my mind.
his death has rocked my world. turned it upside down…shattered my expectations, and killed my hopes and dreams and turned them into failures and regrets.
hunters picture he colored at church today had a rainbow and a boy under it. He said the boy is brother Conner…way up above the clouds.
Hunter asked me why Heaven is so high in the sky, so far away…
all I could say was that heavens not as far away as we probably think…
just one breath seperates life from heaven…
He’s just one breath away…
love love love