Life is moving in a way I don’t want it to.
a way i never wanted nor intended it to.
it’s moving forward…without him.
i’m having to now figure out how to find a balance in my heart when someone wants to get together, and i too want to get together, but the last time we met up he was there too…its so hard to jump into that.
it’s hard to explain it to the others, those on the other side of the fence
i’m tired of all this crap
i’m tired of feeling like i’m 30 and instead of enjoying some of the best years of my life watching our children grow, i’m forced to relearn everything i ever knew. all over again. but without him.
im so tired of eating
i’m so tired of screaming
i’m so tired of crying
i’m so tired of hurting
i’m so tired of missing him
i’m so tired of feeling so afraid of the next day
i’m so tired of thinking about how i’d give ANYTHING, ANYTHING to change the outcome
i’m so tired of sitting here at this dumb computer that we bought so we can have a laptop while away in the hospital with him, only to realize that now he’s not here…and never again will be
i’m so tired of feeling so pissed off that the physical fight is done
i’m tired of smiling
i’m tired of being tired
i’m tired of simply being.
this pain is literally crippling. i see his face…i speak his name…and my whole body hurts. with an intensity greater than i’ve ever known. and i don’t know how to get past this. i’m tired of looking back at posts from just a few months ago thinking that then i had it so good. he was here, not feeling like any child should ever, but he was here…i could touch him, smell him, talk to him, look at him, watch him, cuddle with him, feed him, nourish him, give him his meds and his therapies, i could cry for him and with him i could pray for his healing, i felt so strong then.
weak is how i’d define my spirit.
my body feels like there’s not one more thing i could possibly take. that i’m reaching out to all my friends and family and i’m trying to be happy and i’m trying to take one tiny baby step in front of the next one but my soul is screaming to stop.
to end all of this.
not life…but the suffering.
only there is no clear way of doing that except to continue to walk thru this. day after day after day, minute after minute, hour after hour…and it hurts like hell.
7 thursdays ago i held my son for the last time.
7 thursdays ago i begged him to let go to end his suffering.
7 thursdays ago i prayed for him
7 thursdays ago i showered him with kisses and snuggles and hugs and affection knowing it would be the end, but never would it have been enough…
7 thursdays ago i watched my son struggle to survive and to let go
7 thursdays ago i saw cystic fibrosis for just what it is, the devil in disguise
7 thursdays ago i fed him his “last supper”
7 thursdays ago we were surrounded by love from friends and family
7 thursdays ago i held him as tight as i could w/o compromising his poor breathing
7 thursdays ago i felt his body slowly grow colder
7 thursdays ago i watched as each breath became farther and farther apart, helpless to stop it
7 thursdays ago i watched my son die. and with it my dreams for his life died too…my heart died a bit too. all of my relationships, all of my trust, all of my faith in the way life SHOULD be died as well.
and now 7 thursdays later i’m desperate to be back those weeks ago. when i had him. when i held him. when i breathed for him. when i love love loved him, when i knew it would be always always always…but never again would it be enough.
never again would it compare.
never again my life would be free from pain, the greatest pain anyone could ever face
never again will i be able to look at a child or baby, and not remember him then.
never never never…
i will never be ok i will never get “over” this. i will never be free from this pain. i will never again feel the way inside that i used to feel.
and today, 7 thursdays later…everything that i am, ever was, or ever will be…is now defined by the death of my sweet 7 year old boy. and today, i know for sure i will never be ok.
now…7 weeks ago, my 7 year and 77 day old son, Conner is gone…and i wish, i only wish that i could’ve saved him…
7 thursdays ago my life revolved around my sons life
and now 7 thursdays later my life revolves around his death…
Lord help me…