I almost just don’t know what to say.
my brain is spinning out of control, my tummy is nausiated and i’m desperate to see conner again.
DESPERATE
I’m dabbling in reality and let me tell you i don’t want to be here.
i want life to go back to the way it used to be
normal
quiet but busy
comfortable
numb
tonight my heart is torn into shreds
i feel this deep sadness and loss to my core
i miss him desperately
i haven’t been to his place in a week and a half…i cant stand going there and standing or kneeling ontop of him
thats the closest we’ll ever be til god decides…
i want to simply scream
i feel alone
cold
desperate
i feel empty
i feel a failure
i feel like the world continues to spin, people go about their lives and i’m stuck
i’m drowning in a pool of my own tears and the world simply is suntanning in their own lives you know
this pain is simply the tip of the iceburg
that i know
but it’s emmense
it’s intense
it’s life altering
it’s gripping
and it’s killing my heart.
tonight, i’m simply done…there are no more words. my heart, my chest, my stomach, my soul…
just
done
Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteLove to you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and praying for you. I have no way of really knowing the deep pain you are feeling, but my heart hurts for you. I wish there was a way that we as your friends could take some of this pain away. You are never alone. You have so many people that care about you!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today and always, so sorry sweetie :(
ReplyDeleteI lost someone very dear to me last fall in a terrible accident. I am not sure I would have made it through that time without help from a therapist. Would you consider talking to someone? It won't make the grief go away, but it could help you. Please take care of yourself. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteJust coming here to see how you are doing. Today. Right this moment. It's ok to BE DONE, sometimes. Sometimes your heart can't take any more, your mind can't take any more... sometimes you just need a little time out in life. Whether that's an hour nap, or going to bed early, or whatever you need. Allow yourself those little time outs. It's ok if YOUR world stops, even if it's blurring around you. It's ok. Just remember that what you are going through is HUGE and you don't have to be a hero. It's ok if you feel like you need to collapse on the bed and scream. It's ok if you need the other kids to be out of the house so you can't have a pity party. It's ok. These are the things that will help you build back up so that you CAN move on (I don't mean forget him- I mean just continue with life), when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's ok if you don't go visit his place. He's not there. He's with you. In your heart. In your house. He doesn't need you to visit his place. He just needs you to love him, which you do all the time.
*Big hugs!* I hope things get better for you.
Love, Love, Love!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing women. Your family is lucky to have you.
I can somewhat understand how you feel. I lost my father and it was the worse kind of pain and anguish. I didnt think I could go on. Id come running in the door hopeing that he would be sitting there but instead a empty couch, a emty house would greet me. My dad was a huge part of my life, he was great he was my father and best friend. Its close to the same bond a mother would have with her child but I understand not the same. Sometimes you just have to take a vacation from reality. Do something just for you. Im sure Connor would like it that way. Its now been 10 years since my dad passed away. I still think of him every day! He will always be in my heart and thoughts as Connor will be in yours. Everyday will eventually get easier. Its hard to say now but they will.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
I immediately thought of these lyrics..its a beautiful song.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...
(sniffle)
What is wrong with screaming? I am surprised you haven't done more of it..........
ReplyDeletewhy are you even trying to understand this - you should be depressed, you should feel sick all the time - you should be a complete basketcase - your son just died - i don't think it will ever get better or easier - and anyone who has children should undertand this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, I've been reading your blog for a while and I wasn't sure what I could say that could possibly help. But... here I go, hospice here offers bereavement groups of all types (for free). Maybe they can help you through. My kids went to their bereavement sleepaway camp and it was incredible for them.
ReplyDeleteBTW you're a really good, expressive writer for what it's worth. Just remember there are so many of us out here rooting for you.:)
Do not stand at my grave and weep
ReplyDeleteI am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
— Anonymous
You are feeling what so many of us have felt. You just have the ability to express your grief through words that most of us can never find. I, too, hate what CF has done to our sons, our living children, our lives. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I agree that those first days after a death are much easier than the ones when everyone is gone and seemed to have gotten back to their life wondering why I haven't. I've buried both parents, both in-laws, and three brothers. Nothing comes close to burying my son.
ReplyDelete