My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

tip of the iceberg

I almost just don’t know what to say.

my brain is spinning out of control, my tummy is nausiated and i’m desperate to see conner again.

DESPERATE

I’m dabbling in reality and let me tell you i don’t want to be here.

i want life to go back to the way it used to be

normal

quiet but busy

comfortable

numb

tonight my heart is torn into shreds

i feel this deep sadness and loss to my core

i miss him desperately

i haven’t been to his place in a week and a half…i cant stand going there and standing or kneeling ontop of him

thats the closest we’ll ever be til god decides…

i want to simply scream

i feel alone

cold

desperate

i feel empty

i feel a failure

i feel like the world continues to spin, people go about their lives and i’m stuck

i’m drowning in a pool of my own tears and the world simply is suntanning in their own lives you know

this pain is simply the tip of the iceburg

that i know

but it’s emmense

it’s intense

it’s life altering

it’s gripping

and it’s killing my heart.

tonight, i’m simply done…there are no more words. my heart, my chest, my stomach, my soul…

just

done

14 comments:

  1. Thinking about you and praying for you. I have no way of really knowing the deep pain you are feeling, but my heart hurts for you. I wish there was a way that we as your friends could take some of this pain away. You are never alone. You have so many people that care about you!

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  2. Thinking of you today and always, so sorry sweetie :(

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  3. I lost someone very dear to me last fall in a terrible accident. I am not sure I would have made it through that time without help from a therapist. Would you consider talking to someone? It won't make the grief go away, but it could help you. Please take care of yourself. I am so sorry.

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  4. Just coming here to see how you are doing. Today. Right this moment. It's ok to BE DONE, sometimes. Sometimes your heart can't take any more, your mind can't take any more... sometimes you just need a little time out in life. Whether that's an hour nap, or going to bed early, or whatever you need. Allow yourself those little time outs. It's ok if YOUR world stops, even if it's blurring around you. It's ok. Just remember that what you are going through is HUGE and you don't have to be a hero. It's ok if you feel like you need to collapse on the bed and scream. It's ok if you need the other kids to be out of the house so you can't have a pity party. It's ok. These are the things that will help you build back up so that you CAN move on (I don't mean forget him- I mean just continue with life), when the time comes.
    Also, it's ok if you don't go visit his place. He's not there. He's with you. In your heart. In your house. He doesn't need you to visit his place. He just needs you to love him, which you do all the time.
    *Big hugs!* I hope things get better for you.

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  5. Love, Love, Love!

    You are an amazing women. Your family is lucky to have you.

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  6. I can somewhat understand how you feel. I lost my father and it was the worse kind of pain and anguish. I didnt think I could go on. Id come running in the door hopeing that he would be sitting there but instead a empty couch, a emty house would greet me. My dad was a huge part of my life, he was great he was my father and best friend. Its close to the same bond a mother would have with her child but I understand not the same. Sometimes you just have to take a vacation from reality. Do something just for you. Im sure Connor would like it that way. Its now been 10 years since my dad passed away. I still think of him every day! He will always be in my heart and thoughts as Connor will be in yours. Everyday will eventually get easier. Its hard to say now but they will.

    Thinking of you!

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  7. I immediately thought of these lyrics..its a beautiful song.
    And now I'm all alone again
    Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
    Without a home, without a friend
    without a face to say hello to
    But now the night is near
    And I can make-believe he's here

    Sometimes I walk alone at night
    When everybody else is sleeping
    I think of him and then I'm happy
    With the company I'm keeping
    The city goes to bed
    And I can live inside my head

    On my own
    Pretending he's beside me
    All alone
    I walk with him 'til morning
    Without him, I feel his arms around me
    And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

    In the rain
    The pavement shines like silver
    All the lights are misty in the river
    In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
    And all I see is him and me forever and forever

    And I know it's only in my mind
    That I'm talking to myself and not to him
    And although I know that he is blind
    Still I say there's a way for us

    I love him
    But when the night is over
    He is gone
    The river's just a river
    Without him, the world around me changes
    The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

    I love him
    But every day I'm lonely
    All my life I've only been pretending
    Without me, his world will go on turning
    The world is full of happiness that I have never known

    I love him
    I love him
    I love him...
    But only on my own...
    (sniffle)

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  8. What is wrong with screaming? I am surprised you haven't done more of it..........

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  9. why are you even trying to understand this - you should be depressed, you should feel sick all the time - you should be a complete basketcase - your son just died - i don't think it will ever get better or easier - and anyone who has children should undertand this.

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  10. I'm so sorry, I've been reading your blog for a while and I wasn't sure what I could say that could possibly help. But... here I go, hospice here offers bereavement groups of all types (for free). Maybe they can help you through. My kids went to their bereavement sleepaway camp and it was incredible for them.
    BTW you're a really good, expressive writer for what it's worth. Just remember there are so many of us out here rooting for you.:)

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  11. Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there. I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow.
    I am the diamond glints on snow.
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the soft stars that shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry;
    I am not there. I did not die.

    — Anonymous

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  12. You are feeling what so many of us have felt. You just have the ability to express your grief through words that most of us can never find. I, too, hate what CF has done to our sons, our living children, our lives. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I agree that those first days after a death are much easier than the ones when everyone is gone and seemed to have gotten back to their life wondering why I haven't. I've buried both parents, both in-laws, and three brothers. Nothing comes close to burying my son.

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