My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, August 2, 2010

Holding my breath…

When you lose a loved one its like a rock thrown into a lake…creating ripples everywhere…not one part of that area isn’t affected by it.

it changes everything because it breaks all the rules.

We teach our kids that we are kids, then go to college, and get married have kids and WHEN WE ARE OLD we die…but what if…like us…its a lie?

if you can grasp the depth of that concept then you have a taste of what I’m grappeling with lately.

this isn’t natures order.

the way i was raised never mentioned one thing about a child dyeing.

it didn’t exist.

it isn’t supposed to happen.

when how you were raised, and how your teaching your kids about death becomes a lie…then you become what i am now…a helpless vulnerable mess.

i don’t know what to believe sometimes.

my faith in “the way things are supposed to be” is insignificant. it’s pointless. it’s gone.

We are a culture of people who love a happy ending.

we love happy movies, or love stories, or the fairytale wedding, and the perfect vacation yadda yadda…

we are not a culture that accepts the hurt. the bad, ugly truth…reality.

we live in la-la land where “that could never happen to me” instead of in the reality of “my gosh, this could happen to anybody…”

because it can.

it does.

it will.

when we are in pain…or someone we know is in pain, great pain, infact the most defining pain of their entire lives…we don’t know what to do.

we don’t know what to say.

we wish it to go away.

we turn our backs on it.

we deny it.

we refuse to accept it as reality…

to reach out and help heal.

because it’s not a happy ending that we’ve been so accustomed to in make believe land.

it’s not real.

life is real.

pain is real.

yes there are happy, bright and shiny endings…

but not always.

and then what?

do you pretend it’s not really there?

do you walk away because reality is not as pretty as in the movies…?

do you say empty words, or give empty promises to make yourself feel better?

or do you ache with that person, really feel it to the core with that person…accepting reality for what it is..learning to live in the real world where pain exists and movies are simply fiction.

do you chose to accept that “the way things should be” growing up, aren’t always the way they will be. and be ok with it?

i get that its heavy.

i know that it’s overwhelming and intense.

i get that.

i know it to the absolute core of my being.

because i’m living in it 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the past 5 thursdays now…

it is MY reality.

the one I’M trying to survive,

the fight i’m struggeling to keep my head above water in…

the denial, the absolute mind numbing pain and shock and disbelief that comes with each passing day. each day worse then the one prior…

smiling…trying desperately to not be seen as the “downer”…  but more accurately, being the one living in reality…and no longer a fairytale…

trust me i am longing for the day where i can see a picture of Conner and not have a flood of emotions overwhelm me on the inside…

i hope that one day i can drive past a cemetary and not feel nausiated.

i wish that i didn’t have to learn how to grieve…which is simply learning to live without him.

because it sucks.

reality is horrible.

life can be so cruel.

it’s sink or swim…

it’s fairytales or reality…

it’s trying to figure out which limb on your body you can best live without…cus our children are our bodies…they’re our hearts, souls, minds…everything.

do you pick an arm and never be able to write or throw with it again…or a leg and then have to relearn everything you’ve always known all over again…learning this time to live without it…

it’s unfair.

what i know for sure is that it’s horrible to be going thru this. absolutely devestating. it effects every fiber in my body, and in my husbands and childrens as well. it effects every relationship i have, with my family and friends. it’s teaching me lessons i never wanted to learn. its forcing me to live without him. and i don’t want to. grieving is lifes hardest job. the most horrible work imaginable.

it’s taking your heart full to the brim with love and happiness and throwing it on the ground, stepping on it over and over and then tearing it into a million teeny tiny peices and then handing you some tape and saying “here you go…fix it…all the pieces back where they came from, except this one over here…you have to learn to live without it” and it’s the most secure, safe and important part of your heart…and you have to learn to let it go…

it sucks to go thru this.

id never wish it upon anyone. not even a worst enemy.

but even more than that, it sucks that i can’t find a safe place besides here to let it out.

to figure it out with help,

it’s not safe.

it’s reality, and not happy make believe that we’re all so accustomed to.

and feeling alone and isolated and learning to live w/o the love that made me who i am today is simply impossible…

“they” say it gets easier in time…not less painful but easier to manage…i tell you what

i’m NOT holding my breath…

8 comments:

  1. I came to your story at the climax. I've been catching up on your blogs. Today I also read this one . . . http://notsobrightandshiny.blogspot.com/2010/05/beauty.html

    Sending love and Blessings daily

    ReplyDelete
  2. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. To lose a child. My heart aches for you. I can relate to some of what you are saying. My daughter, Jasmine, was sexually abused by a family friend. After almost 2 years of it happening, when we found out, our world stopped, and the Jasmine that we knew died. She has never been the same, and while she is here physically, and we see glimpses of her, she is completely differant. I know how it feels to be left in complete shock and disbelief that this is your new reality. Its hard to understand that this horrific reality is part of "the plan" I am not trying to say that I know your pain, or what you are going through, because our stories are very differant, but I can relate to alot of your words in this post. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain, and bring Conner back, even for a day...just know that you are loved. And not a day goes by that I dont think of you, Brad and the boys, and you all are constantly in my prayers.

    Donna

    ReplyDelete
  3. You wrote something I have been feeling lately, but just couldn't put into words. People like happy endings. Many don't know how to handle tears, intense grief, loss, hurt. Its easier to look the other way until the storm passes so that's what they do.

    Is there a support group you could join? Not sure if that's something that would help or not, but it might be a place you can share what's on your heart.

    Praying always.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It has been 6 months since I lost my 5 yr old daughter, and I can tell you it hasn't gotten easier. I can tell you, that you get use to the pain. You come to expect it, you will know when to expect the memories that cause heart stabbing pain. I personally hate walking into any store because I know something inside there is going to make me say "She would love this!" Then the realization will hit that I am not leaving the store with it. Your writing is beautiful. It is what so many of us are feeling, you are not alone, and so many others would love to talk/listen. What people usually do is leave others alone in grief, but it's the exact opposite of what we need. You are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. as a mother - i would say this is never going to get better - the pain of losing a child will never go away - i think you will be sad forever as you very well should be - devastation has touched your family and it sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sarah, I can't even imagine what you are going though, nor do I EVER want to. You are living every mothers worst fears. So sorry sweetie...I was watching sesame the other morning with my boys and super grover came on. I just sat there and stared at the tv and thought about conner and started to cry. My son was looking at me like i'm a lunatic....I said to them ... there is a little boy named conner who loved loved loved grover. He is in heaven now watching over all the little kids in the world to make sure they stay health and happy... Love and peace to you...:)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sarah, I really think of you every single day...last night before I went to bed, I sat there thinking about Conner, how hard and totally UNFAIR this is...I don't know how to help you through this but I can say my heart aches every time I think about your family and the loss of Connor. I guess the loss of Conner hits me so hard because I realized that it CAN happen to me because it happened to such a loving family that I KNOW! WTF...yeah, this isn't suppose to happen...it makes me mad, sad, scared...nothing compared to what you are feeling but your story has changed me as a mom, and as a human. Life can change in a blink of an eye and life can be a painful existance...that is not what we are told growing up.

    When Kian was 9 months old, he was hospitalized for super high liver enzymes. He had become lethargic,yellow, etc. We went to specialists, had tons of tests done, and we never found out what happened to cause it. When he was 2, he was hospitalized once again for high liver enzymes, 106 temp, and again we still never found out what happened. It scares me every time Kian gets sick because the chance that he will get very ill again is very real. It is such a helpless feeling. You lived in that helpless feeling with Conner for every day of his life, fighting for him. I think we all wish we could make things different for you. We wish we could make things "happy" again because it is hard to see someone you care about hurting so badly.

    The truth is this is going to be a life-long process. But we are here to pray for you, with you, and love you along the way.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate reality. I hate that Conner's gone. How I want to reverse time, make it all turn out differently. I pray quite simple prayers for you. Mostly that God would somehow sustain you one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete

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