When you lose a loved one its like a rock thrown into a lake…creating ripples everywhere…not one part of that area isn’t affected by it.
it changes everything because it breaks all the rules.
We teach our kids that we are kids, then go to college, and get married have kids and WHEN WE ARE OLD we die…but what if…like us…its a lie?
if you can grasp the depth of that concept then you have a taste of what I’m grappeling with lately.
this isn’t natures order.
the way i was raised never mentioned one thing about a child dyeing.
it didn’t exist.
it isn’t supposed to happen.
when how you were raised, and how your teaching your kids about death becomes a lie…then you become what i am now…a helpless vulnerable mess.
i don’t know what to believe sometimes.
my faith in “the way things are supposed to be” is insignificant. it’s pointless. it’s gone.
We are a culture of people who love a happy ending.
we love happy movies, or love stories, or the fairytale wedding, and the perfect vacation yadda yadda…
we are not a culture that accepts the hurt. the bad, ugly truth…reality.
we live in la-la land where “that could never happen to me” instead of in the reality of “my gosh, this could happen to anybody…”
because it can.
when we are in pain…or someone we know is in pain, great pain, infact the most defining pain of their entire lives…we don’t know what to do.
we don’t know what to say.
we wish it to go away.
we turn our backs on it.
we deny it.
we refuse to accept it as reality…
to reach out and help heal.
because it’s not a happy ending that we’ve been so accustomed to in make believe land.
it’s not real.
life is real.
pain is real.
yes there are happy, bright and shiny endings…
but not always.
and then what?
do you pretend it’s not really there?
do you walk away because reality is not as pretty as in the movies…?
do you say empty words, or give empty promises to make yourself feel better?
or do you ache with that person, really feel it to the core with that person…accepting reality for what it is..learning to live in the real world where pain exists and movies are simply fiction.
do you chose to accept that “the way things should be” growing up, aren’t always the way they will be. and be ok with it?
i get that its heavy.
i know that it’s overwhelming and intense.
i get that.
i know it to the absolute core of my being.
because i’m living in it 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the past 5 thursdays now…
it is MY reality.
the one I’M trying to survive,
the fight i’m struggeling to keep my head above water in…
the denial, the absolute mind numbing pain and shock and disbelief that comes with each passing day. each day worse then the one prior…
smiling…trying desperately to not be seen as the “downer”… but more accurately, being the one living in reality…and no longer a fairytale…
trust me i am longing for the day where i can see a picture of Conner and not have a flood of emotions overwhelm me on the inside…
i hope that one day i can drive past a cemetary and not feel nausiated.
i wish that i didn’t have to learn how to grieve…which is simply learning to live without him.
because it sucks.
reality is horrible.
life can be so cruel.
it’s sink or swim…
it’s fairytales or reality…
it’s trying to figure out which limb on your body you can best live without…cus our children are our bodies…they’re our hearts, souls, minds…everything.
do you pick an arm and never be able to write or throw with it again…or a leg and then have to relearn everything you’ve always known all over again…learning this time to live without it…
what i know for sure is that it’s horrible to be going thru this. absolutely devestating. it effects every fiber in my body, and in my husbands and childrens as well. it effects every relationship i have, with my family and friends. it’s teaching me lessons i never wanted to learn. its forcing me to live without him. and i don’t want to. grieving is lifes hardest job. the most horrible work imaginable.
it’s taking your heart full to the brim with love and happiness and throwing it on the ground, stepping on it over and over and then tearing it into a million teeny tiny peices and then handing you some tape and saying “here you go…fix it…all the pieces back where they came from, except this one over here…you have to learn to live without it” and it’s the most secure, safe and important part of your heart…and you have to learn to let it go…
it sucks to go thru this.
id never wish it upon anyone. not even a worst enemy.
but even more than that, it sucks that i can’t find a safe place besides here to let it out.
to figure it out with help,
it’s not safe.
it’s reality, and not happy make believe that we’re all so accustomed to.
and feeling alone and isolated and learning to live w/o the love that made me who i am today is simply impossible…
“they” say it gets easier in time…not less painful but easier to manage…i tell you what
i’m NOT holding my breath…