i’m so tired of this reality.
i’m ready for it to stop.
i hate that he’s not here. i hate that i think about him nonstop in every activity in every second of everyday but i can’t hold him, or see him, or simply hear his sweet voice except on my voicemail. i hate it.
i feel such anger at it all.
some days i simply don’t get it.
it makes no sense to me.
i can’t keep him off my mind. not for one minute. not one full minute. and that kills me. because i miss him so desperately. and for 60 seconds i can’t get my mind 100% off of him.
we don’t deserve this. our sweet conner never deserved this. but really, nobody’s kids do.
no kid should have cf, or cancer, or any other horrific disease. it’s unfair.
how in the world did we get here?
i haven’t gone up to see conner in a week. i can’t. i feel so horribly guilty about that. i know i shouldn’t…afterall he’s not truly there. but ive been going there every day to maintain his area and take him new flowers and i haven’t. because it hurts…to the core.
i havent just lost my son, i lost my security, my sense of fullness, my no fear, no worries attitude. its all been replaced with scared vulneralbility, anger, frustration, rage, sadness, mind wandering, body exhausting mind numbing silence and pain. i feel i’ve lost friends. i’ve lost compassion, ive lost so much in such a short amount of time. life as i knew it to be, is over. i’m forever changed. my world is 100% different and i’m trying to figure out where to start rebuilding from the ground up. and thats devestating. because i don’t want to. i loved my previous life. i was happy, secure, full of energy and hope and full of miracles and research and i was full of the fight and loving every moment of feeling like what i was doing was saving my sons life.
slap me in my face because i couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
i wasn’t saving him.
i was prolonging his death.
i was prolonging his suffering…and for what
we lost anyway
and that is mind boggeling devestating.
it is kicking me while i’m already down.
feeling like it’s friday and the home health nurse should be stopping in and we’d be coming up with next weeks ivs and game plan and going over whose on call that weekend and me needing to call the cf clinic and getting answers and meds…and now i have none of that.
i have nothing.
i have lost my son.
the job i held so dear to my heart, that made up everything that i am,
my dream job is gone and left me with no replacement…
my boys fill my day with business, diapers, feeding, swim lessons you name it. but i feel so empty. being just a mom isn’t what i was created to do. not that being a mom is bad or unfulfilling because it’s not. i am a mom, i have been a mom for almost 8 years…but being a mother of a child of cf or any disease i would imagine is a special calling. its like being a mom with an extra set of mommy responsibilities. its a huge time commitment. a huge heart commitment. and now a huge gaping wide hole that no one can fill. not me, nor my husband or either of my living sons. they need me absolutely, but not in the way that conner did. and i feel utterly helpless, unimportant and empty.