this week has been as close to hell as i can imagine it to be. unsupportive friends and family, uncaring, unknowing strangers, a pressured visit to CF clinic at the very hospital that we fought the battle at so frequently, seeing my family there again…tears tears tears. hes only been gone two months. yet that seems like forever ago. i need to just spew a bit because that is why i started this blog…it’s my journal and its for me not really for you.
i’m mad that so many of my friends and family leading up to conners death urged me to not be so strong, to allow myself to be vulnerable and to cry. call on them they said day or night to cry or cuss or whatever i needed to. guess what? i’m crying, i’m screaming and i’m alone. those who pledged their unending support and who said it was great to cry not only have walked away but then openly started critisizing my grief. screw you. you have no right to my life or to my family. how can you show up at my house and watch my son die, physically see the anguish and pain that brad and i felt in that instant that nothing in this world will EVER compare to ever again and then walk away from us? how dare you call us friends. we are not friends. and family who treats and judges us in the same manner…we can never remain family. plain and simple.
this death shattered us people. shattered! and perspective occurs inthis…our son’s dead. as in buried now 6 feet under ground all alone enclosed in a beautiful grover casket sealed in a cement liner for all eternity. thats whats important. we will not let anyone else even attempt to selfishly hurt us right now…it’s uncalled for. it’s horribly cruel. and rather then be mad at you…i pray for you. because my dear “friends” one day you will have to answer to that in a court higher above any supreme court we know on this earth and i pray that god shows mercy for your choices and more so maybe that by then you will have asked for and recieved his forgiveness and blessing. i’m only human. he is god. end of story there.
i only write on this blog when i’m emotionally about to explode. i think the name of this blog really says it all. this is not a jones happy happy joy joy story land blog here people, its the crappy truth of cf and death. it’s not about how much i love my children and how much tulips are my favorite flower blah blah. this is my journal. this is my lifeline. you have no idea a fragment of what i’m feeling every 24 hours, this is only one tiny 20 minute reflection of a moment in my day. if i hear one more time that i need to remember that my kids need me, and that my husband needs me and that i have so much to live for and wow how much i should cherish that he’s free now…i tell you i will explode.
I LOVE MY CHILDREN.
I LOVE MY HUSBAND.
MY LIFE IS NOT OVER.
I AM NOT SUICIDAL.
THIS MY DEAR FRIENDS IS GRIEVING.
do you even understand that by trying to prevent me from feeling these feelings further surpresses them inside of me. do you realize that if it builds up too much i will explode. do you understand that my marriage is under an extreme amount of stress from the loss of our firstborn child…and that by writing such things on my blog you are adding to our stress, thus creating a much more stressful and tense home environment for my children and my husband and i? do you realize that by watching our son die that nothing else in this world could ever hurt us that way ever again? that our whole view of this short little life is completely altered? that mama bear will hunt you down and take you out w/o a second thought if you keep threatening and causing undue hardship for myself, my husband or my children? right now the 4 of us with conner angel at our side are taking a collective stand to say that if you are not helping us you are then hurting us. so pick your side and be ready to carry it out. either be there for us in silence, prayer, support, encouragment and love or walk away. there is no gray area.
no more gray area in our life.
i’m so pissed about some comments left on my facebook page the other day and the one who posted it knows because it’s been removed by the author. you know what you said was wrong. you know you hurt me and my husband. you know you are simply alienating us from you. there is nothing like the loss of a child. i’ve lost grandparents and close friends and nothing even comes close. nothing. so by saying that “we’re not the only ones who life throws some DISCOMFORT at” is a load of crap and you know it. a discomfort is wearing a shoe a size too small cus they’re cute a death of a child that we’ve fought for each and every single breath is NOT at ALL discomforting. it’s life altering, shattering, intense, heartbreaking, defining, horrific, tragic, rip your heart out with a fork kind of excruciating pain that can never be fixed, bandaged up or left behind. the brad and sarah that we were do not exist anymore…so as we’re redifining ourselves and our lifes goals and dreams we will be able to build a gate of dear close family and friends who we truly know now like never before, are 1000% for us and not against us. so please make your choice which side of the gate you wish to be on “family” i’m very happy to see the comment gone but wow…no apology, no explanation, nothing. no words to that…
i’m so tired of begging people thru my blog to help me. how is it that some of the people whove meant the most to me are people i’ve never, nor will i probably ever will meet? all over the country and all around the world? what happened to my “friends” who’d help me out here when i needed help with the kids while stuck in the hospital? wheres all the people who’ve offered their support before he died…
how many times do i have to say that we can NOT do this alone. we’ve been trying to hold together and pull thru the past 60 days mostly alone. and we can NOT do it. why am i begging YOU for help? shouldn’t YOU be coming to help me??? is this normal? please someone whose been thru this help me out here…give me suggestions and advice. what the heck is going on here???? why is family causing so much extra pain? why are our friends gone now like we’re diseased? and please tell me…oh lord where in the world do we go from here alone??? how the heck are we going to do this? cus i’m so damn tired of trying to beg for help from unwilling people. i’m so tired of trying to figure out why we’re alone. why nobody’s coming by or checking in. why my son is gone and our family has to rebuild each and every relationship from the floor up…
because honestly if this is a normal thing that happens…then i can see why some people can’t take it and feel suicidal. w/o a deep rooted faith and love of God how could anyone take this in?
because i love god more than anything in this world and he’s my best friend and he’s caught each and every tear i’ve shed…and if i didn’t have HIM to lean on, because humans can’t or won’t…i’d not want to live either…
YES…I’M ASKING FOR ADVICE….BRING IT