Then why is water make up so much more of your body? of the world? ever think about that? You hear the saying that family is blood and blood is thicker than water, but dive into it with me here…sometimes you don’t need blood…you lose blood, even transfuse your blood…but your water is what keeps you alive. you can’t live without water in your life. Granted nor could you w/o blood…but blood can be changed…water can as well…but the beauty of that is you get to CHOOSE your water…your stuck with your blood.
did i lose you?
Today was hard. Honestly I feel like each day is getting harder than the one prior to it. But not in all the ways you may think. People are making it harder for me lately. Not the circumstance. Remember when you were graduating, or got all this money one year for Christmas or was planning a wedding (wink wink Jen) or a vacation and THEN all of a sudden people come out of the word work. They suddenly become interested THEN…kinda too late. Kinda annoyingly soliciting their unwanted advice. Which simply by definition advice is simply someone forcing their opinions onto you in hopes to pursuade you into their thinking. When you break it down like that doesn’t it appear that advice is truly just us being selfish? Who are we to advise someone really about anything? no two circumstances, no two occasions, no two human beings are the exact same, so advice is our way of saying “i know it all and this is how I would do it if i were you” which breaks down even further to TRULY say “if you don’t do it this way, its (or your) wrong. seems off right?
then why oh why am i faced with it daily? I love when I get to hear from other moms or dads who’ve lost a child whether it being a recent event or something years past. Because on a level that nobody else in this world can grasp they just GET IT. no questions asked, no explanations needed, no sorry’s, no expectations. they simply know it to their core. they feel it. no words are ever really necessary between two such people. it just clicks together like a puzzle piece long missing. I love that. In writing this blog I’ve opened myself up publicly to be judged by you, and you can chose to read what i write or because of our great freedoms you can trash what i say or stop reading and following our journey. and truly the choice is yours alone. But for me, this is my life. I don’t have the luxury of turning the page, or following someone elses story…because it’s not the same. even in similiar deaths, it is never the same. each connection to the deceased is a very unique connection that no other person living will have ever had with them. nobody. so if ten people all knew one wonderful person and that person passed away…each of the ten people will grieve the loss based upon their connections and the relationship to them. these i feel are very simple principles that we all probably understand but maybe just haven’t thought of it that way before. guess my goal is to try to get to the bottom of all of this…keep with me now…
blood is thicker than water.
but water blends into your tears when you need it to where blood cannot.
water can soak your tears, even have tears of its own but you’d never be able to tell what tear was from which person. it’s that close
and water is a choice.
blood has their own unique relationships with their family.
water does as well…but water knows when to recede.
water knows when to come in with the tide.
blood while close when you need it to be and still absolutely important…blood fails to look beyond their own unique relationships and has a nasty habit of projecting their advice onto you.
the “i’m right and your wrong” mentality will only get blood so far. even water carries those thoughts and feelings sometimes but…
the beauty of that is you can simply put down your glass of water…or dump it out and find new water.
unless you remove blood from your body you are stuck with it forever. no matter what.
that is both a blessing and a curse.
being thrown into this horrible club i’ve been forced to learn and relearn many lessons. almost daily. sometimes hourly. it’s like i’ve done my bachelors degree but wait, i wanna switch majors so ditch all that i’ve known and now lets jump to something trickier and while we’re at it lets shoot for a masters in it.
and you only got a year.
well…you think a year.
but what i’m finding is that it’s not quick enough for some people. like i’ve mentioned before people aren’t ok setteling with pain. seeing someone cry, or be sad, or be in pain and simply just let them be. or just say sorry. nope. we’re not ok with that. we have to FIX things.
but guess what…reality check time.
you can’t fix everything.
and the lightbulb moment of the night is your trying to “fix” someones sadness is simply sending them the message VERY LOUDLY that it’s not really ok to be sad. to be emotional. it’s saying “grief takes time…but uh not too much time cus then i will be uncomfortable…”
well soooooooooooooory…but last time i checked it kinda wasn’t about you.
it’s about that persons unique pain. a pain that you can’t wish, hug or love away. and it’s definately not a pain that you can fix. so do us all a favor and stop trying. and if you are wondering if you’re one of those people trying…here’s a great guideline…
if you begin a sentence with “you need to….” or “i can’t imagine what you feel BUT…” or the best one yet “You still need to….” then chances are your being a fixer. your soliciting unwanted advice. and you should stop. the best phrase that i hear from people is “i’m sorry” period. done. end of story. perfect!
while i’m on my high soapbox tonight (sheesh listen to me getting out all my frustrations! :)
lets negotiate some clear misconceptions of grief.
1. the pain is intense. it is paralizing. check.
2. it is round the clock always in your face and mind, consuming everything you do or everywhere you go. check check.
3. it is real, unavoidable, healthy and very much needed and necessary. check check CHECK…
what it is NOT…and this list is more important…
focusing on the child whose passed doesn’t mean you don’t love the ones still living. it simply means that your world is upside down.
concentrating on writing about your pain and your experience and your anger and your sadness doesn’t mean youre clinically depressed. rather it means that youre allowing yourself to feel natural feelings and emotions. and if you don’t feel them…then KABOOOOM down the road…
saying that it’s hard to get out of bed each day doesn’t mean that you feel you have nothing to live for. rather the opposite. forcing yourself to get out of bed and face each day is a HUGE accomplishment when you know that once you wake from your dreams…probably dreams of your dead loved one…that yes once again your heart is going to fall from your chest onto the floor and your gonna have to spend the whole day putting the pieces back together, just as you did the day before. and that is all. it is no small feat.
so in a nutshell if you take anything away from this post that i SOOO needed to write then here’s the cliffs notes version (oooh i LOVE cliff notes!!!)
1. family is family. friends are friends.
2. your friends are chosen by you for a specific reason. you keep the ones most important. family your stuck with. like it or lump it.
3. when family doesn’t get it, you will have a friend who will. blood can never fill all the little cracks in your soul that water can…because it’s thinner and more transparent. water is there by choice not by circumstance.
4. i love my sons. all 3 of them.
5. i am not suicidal because it’s hard to get out of bed.
6. by simply focusing on my heartache over losing Conner doesn’t mean I have nothing to live for. If thats what I meant, then thats what I would’ve said. PERIOD.
7. Yes I know that family, friends, and God are all there for me…incase you may have missed it all but my faith in God has never wavered. Yes I get upset at the situation and mad at the circumstance but I also know that this is part of something bigger then I will ever know.
8. last but not least. keep your advice to yourself…unless it’s asked for. :)
so glad to have gotten that off my chest.
lets wake up tomorrow and try this out ALL over again <3, and the next day. lather rinse repeat…until it makes sense :)