My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Sunday, August 1, 2010

zzzzzzzzzzz…..

i need to go to bed. my body needs sleep. my head is pounding my body is tired and worn out and my stomach is nausiated…

but my stupid brain wont shut off.

these past few days i’ve been bad.

horrible.

felt all this pain in my heart.

pain and anger and hurt.

i really was enjoying that overwhelming numbness that I was in for the past 5 weeks…

i’m not ready for it to unveil itself in all its glory and really tear me apart.

i’m scared to death.

i’m just so hurt, so broken hearted, so mad, and not one second of any day goes by that i don’t think of him. that my heart doesnt break for him, for us, for his brothers. i’m good at hiding behind smiles, i always have been…but inside i’m so shattered and so torn up and so uneven…so upset. there simply arent words sufficient to describe the pain, the torture.

the defeat.

we went out and had a fun day of hiking and seeing many beautiful falls…spent about 10 hours on the road today and we took many pictures, some people commented on how it was nice to see a smile on my face…yes i agree. but if you only knew that even at that exact moment i was thinking “we shouldn’t be here…Conner would’ve never been able to walk this far or climb this trail…but we are…only cus he’s not here”

but he was there…

rainbows….red…

 

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DSCF9352

thank you Connerboy for showing up today and making this trip with us. a trip that your earthly body would’ve never allowed…but one your heavenly body now can do with ease…bless you my dear…bless your suffering and god bless your reward in heaven…

oh buddy i miss you terribly….

4 comments:

  1. Sarah I know exactly how you feel when people comment on how nice it is to see a smile on your face. This smile on your face is all an act, it's just for looks, it's not real. If only they knew how you were feeling inside, broken and completely shattered are the only words to describe this feeling.

    Sandy
    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sounds like while you were sad the hike was still a spiritual experience for you. Inner dialogue can be killer sometimes but in a way I also think it's good... I think it's nice that you felt him there with you even if you were putting on a smile you didn't really feel like putting on your face. ♥

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sarah wow! I have no doubt that, that unearthly red shining down is your Conner.I feel he is giving you his blessing...don't feel guilty. I hope you can hold this picture in your heart next time your mind is f-ing w/ you.

    ReplyDelete

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