Stands for THANK GOD FOR MY DAD…
He met me today to take Hunter for a few days so I could have a bit of quiet time. B still naps most of the afternoon so that will provide me with some much needed space. i’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and stressed, so even though its only a few days…to me it’ll be a miracle.
it’s strange that immidiately after conner passed we had all sorts of people here to help and support us, and now there’s hardly any. i feel like a burden asking others for help, but i guess people just don’t understand that immidiately after a loved one passes it IS important to be there for us, but EVEN MORE important is when everyone else leaves and reality and life start sinking back in. right after Conner died i went into autopilot. i got caught up in the business of planning his service and picking out clothes for him, and for us, and for designing headstones and was just plain busy. but then everyone left…and suddenly i’m alone.
but not just feeling alone without my friends…but feeling desperately alone because now i fully understand that Connerman’s never gonna walk thru that door ever again. yet i’m here w/o much help or support. it’s really devestating.
i’m beyond exhausted.
i’m trying so hard to keep up pajama and library monday, run around and chase after my kiddos and laugh and tickle and love and enjoy each moment but in the quietness of my days and in the deepest parts of my heart i’m screaming out for help. I make it to my weekly counseling appointments, it may take a day or two but i've been returning all my phone calls and emails, since meals have stopped i’ve been trying to get food ready, cleaning the house, loving on my kids and spending time with my husband but i’m also trying to stay alive emotionally. there’s no way possible that i can do all of this. i can’t grieve the death of my son whom i’ve fought for from conception AND try to still be a good mom and wife and cook and cleaner and friend and on and on and on.
i don’t know if anyone could honestly.
trying to force myself into getting on with life is the most devestating thing i can imagine doing. why in gods name would i want to keep on living the way we lived before? it’s impossible to even fathom trying to. because my life isn’t the same anymore, and it will never go back to being the same. i’m not the same Sarah I was 7 thursdays ago and i will never know her again. I’m not the same mom, i have not the same fight, i don’t have those same feelings, i don’t eat the way i did, i don’t sleep the way i did, i don’t tuck 3 beautiful sons into bed each night as i once did, you see. i will never be that me again. so i’m trying to figure out how to be mom, wife, sarah and i guess me. figuring out who in the world i am now. i don’t have the same friends, i don’t have the same passions, i don’t have the same petiness i used to, i don’t know anymore about anything. i’ve lost my son, i’ve lost my life as i knew it, my identity, and now i’m trying to figure out how to jump back into the world the way it used to be but i can’t. because my life isn’t that way anymore. it’s all new. and it’s all different. and its all painfully hard.
finding new friends. finding new interests. finding new activities to do with my kiddos. finding new ways of connecting with my husband. finding new ways to try to get out of bed each day. just trying to find new meaning…
we’re just left at ground zero now.
i’m 30 yet i’m now a newborn all over again.
i've had bestfriends and now i’m starting over again.
i had loves and interests and passions and now they’ve all been swept up from underneath me.
i’m not me.
i’m not sarah.
i’m not who i thought of myself as.
so i’m kinda floating in the breeze trying to find the right fit. gods plan and purpose for my life. trying to balance being kind to myself and being a good mom and trying to find time to adequately grieve these monumental changes and still figure out how the heck to get dinner made and laundry done…
so bare with me…
guess i’m a work in progress…
connerman your death rocked my world and turned it upside down. i truly feel that it is so true that it’s better to have love and lost then never loved at all, because all of this pain that i feel, the sadness, the tears, the heart break and the misery is all worth it…for getting to call you mine and to love you, protect you, adore you and be your mom if only for 7 short years…but conner baby…stay so close to me…so close i can feel you…cus i can’t do this w/o you…
love mommy <3