My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

TGFMD

(and rose!)

Stands for THANK GOD FOR MY DAD…

He met me today to take Hunter for a few days so I could have a bit of quiet time. B still naps most of the afternoon so that will provide me with some much needed space. i’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and stressed, so even though its only a few days…to me it’ll be a miracle.

it’s strange that immidiately after conner passed we had all sorts of people here to help and support us, and now there’s hardly any. i feel like a burden asking others for help, but i guess people just don’t understand that immidiately after a loved one passes it IS important to be there for us, but EVEN MORE important is when everyone else leaves and reality and life start sinking back in. right after Conner died i went into autopilot. i got caught up in the business of planning his service and picking out clothes for him, and for us, and for designing headstones and was just plain busy. but then everyone left…and suddenly i’m alone.

but not just feeling alone without my friends…but feeling desperately alone because now i fully understand that Connerman’s never gonna walk thru that door ever again. yet i’m here w/o much help or support. it’s really devestating.

i’m beyond exhausted.

i’m trying so hard to keep up pajama and library monday, run around and chase after my kiddos and laugh and tickle and love and enjoy each moment but in the quietness of my days and in the deepest parts of my heart i’m screaming out for help. I make it to my weekly counseling appointments, it may take a day or two but i've been returning all my phone calls and emails, since meals have stopped i’ve been trying to get food ready, cleaning the house, loving on my kids and spending time with my husband but i’m also trying to stay alive emotionally. there’s no way possible that i can do all of this. i can’t grieve the death of my son whom i’ve fought for from conception AND try to still be a good mom and wife and cook and cleaner and friend and on and on and on.

i can’t.

i don’t know if anyone could honestly.

trying to force myself into getting on with life is the most devestating thing i can imagine doing. why in gods name would i want to keep on living the way we lived before? it’s impossible to even fathom trying to. because my life isn’t the same anymore, and it will never go back to being the same. i’m not the same Sarah I was 7 thursdays ago and i will never know her again. I’m not the same mom, i have not the same fight, i don’t have those same feelings, i don’t eat the way i did, i don’t sleep the way i did, i don’t tuck 3 beautiful sons into bed each night as i once did, you see. i will never be that me again. so i’m trying to figure out how to be mom, wife, sarah and i guess me. figuring out who in the world i am now. i don’t have the same friends, i don’t have the same passions, i don’t have the same petiness i used to, i don’t know anymore about anything. i’ve lost my son, i’ve lost my life as i knew it, my identity, and now i’m trying to figure out how to jump back into the world the way it used to be but i can’t. because my life isn’t that way anymore. it’s all new. and it’s all different. and its all painfully hard.

finding new friends. finding new interests. finding new activities to do with my kiddos. finding new ways of connecting with my husband. finding new ways to try to get out of bed each day. just trying to find new meaning…

we’re just left at ground zero now.

i’m 30 yet i’m now a newborn all over again.

i've had bestfriends and now i’m starting over again.

i had loves and interests and passions and now they’ve all been swept up from underneath me.

i’m not me.

i’m not sarah.

i’m not who i thought of myself as.

so i’m kinda floating in the breeze trying to find the right fit. gods plan and purpose for my life. trying to balance being kind to myself and being a good mom and trying to find time to adequately grieve these monumental changes and still figure out how the heck to get dinner made and laundry done…

so bare with me…

guess i’m a work in progress…

connerman your death rocked my world and turned it upside down. i truly feel that it is so true that it’s better to have love and lost then never loved at all, because all of this pain that i feel, the sadness, the tears, the heart break and the misery is all worth it…for getting to call you mine and to love you, protect you, adore you and be your mom if only for 7 short years…but conner baby…stay so close to me…so close i can feel you…cus i can’t do this w/o you…

love mommy <3

7 comments:

  1. I think you are so brave for asking for help. I know that I rarely do, even when I really need it. I am sorry that help has stopped. I can only imagine how lonely the days can be, even if you keep yourself busy with a million things.

    We are here for you on this journey to finding the path God wants you to be on. We are praying for you daily and hope you can feel the love we have for you, even if we are far away. Try to rest, my friend!

    Love,
    April

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are not alone and I know that I and many others with we could help in anyway. Heck, if I was closer I would come help with anything you needed, even cleaning the bathroom.

    You are without a doubt the bravest woman I know, and no one will flinch if you ask for help of any kind. Most people back away because they do not want to think they are pestering you, but are still just a phone call away.

    Be kind to you during these difficult months. Allow yourself the time needed to find the Sarah you are today.

    We continue to send prayers and love your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Perhaps Sarah that you are the same you... however for 7 years so much of you was consumed by the fight. Taking care of children is a full time job- taking care of a CF child is even harder. It consumes you until you become it! Give yourself time to find yourself again. YOU ARE IN THERE... behind all the confusion and the grief. Look into your children's eyes what makes them wonderful loving, funny, caring little people... that is you! It will not come overnight. It may not be a week or a month or a year.... for 7 years you were Connor's strength, caretaker, mom... you were his everything. It will take time to find the you that has been there all along only this time his spirit will be there to make you an even better person than you were before. The lessons he has taught you... will make you a better friend, mother... person! REMEMBER....The laundry will wait. the kids will be your best friend for a happy meal, if you clean the house today it will be dirty again tomorrow. Take the time you need for yourself. WITH OUT GUILT!!! Don't be afraid to ask for help..... many of your friends I am sure would love to help you but are afraid to "intrude" so they do nothing. They would probably be happy to help if they only knew what to do. Be patient.... remember to breath deeply. Connor would want it that way!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. The hardest thing ANYONE can do is grieve a loved one. I am not and may never be a parent, but I know that grieving a child would be the hardest thing imaginable. You are doing the best that you can and that is all Conner, God, or anyone else can ask of you.

    You are not the same Sarah, but you have the same heart and the same love for your husband and children that you did 7 thursdays ago. In fact, I bet it's a deeper love. They understand your healing right now because they are too. Love each other and be there for one another because at the end of the day, all you have is your family and dearest, closest friends.

    Conner has given me the gift of wisdom and the clarity to know that I need to focus on my world right now. Even though we don't chat as much lately, know that I send you peaceful thoughts every night.

    We'll see each other soon, my friend.

    Peaceful things and lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sarah my sweet sweet Sarah...how I want to wrap you up in my arms and rock you! If only there was a way I could take away 1/10 of your pain and grief I would, because I know there would be 9 more people behind me to take the remaining portion. I'm so glad to see your write and express your feelings, that has to be very cleansing for you!
    I love you "my daughter from another mother"
    B-Momma

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was listening to my book on CD today. The book is by Wally Lamb called "The hour I first believed." Anyway, what struck me as so profound in this book is the author's mention of Mark Twain. Mark Twain's daughter had passed away in her early 20's a spinal meningitis and understandably it rocked Twain's world. Lamb includes several quotes from Twain's letters to his wife & close friends in his book. They are so beautifully written. Here is a quote:

    "I did know that Susy was part of us; I did not know that she could go away; I did not know that she could go away, and take our lives with her, yet leave our dull bodies behind. And I did not know what she was. To me she was but treasure in the bank; the amount known, the need to look at it daily, handle it, weigh it, count it, realize it, not necessary; and now that I would do it, it is too late; they tell me it is not there, has vanished away in a night, the bank is broken, my fortune is gone, I am a pauper. How am I to comprehend this? How am I to have it? Why am I robbed, and who is benefited?"

    I do realize the differences between yours and Twains. You knew from the very beginning the journey you were walking while his path came later. You fought the fight from the beginning while he didn't. However, both you, Twain, me, and all parents who no longer have the children here on earth with us feels this mind shattering pain.
    You mentioned that you feel like you are floating around trying to look for a place to land or catch you. I recall that feeling very well. For me, strangely enough, it was a library that was my tether. It gave me comfort to put books on hold at the libary, read little snippets about them, and eventually make the commitment to read them. Strange I know :). I still floated for awhile but eventually I touched ground.
    Just know that there will be new experiences, new friendships, and hope out there. You are walking a different path now...some days you may even be crawling...or simply standing still, but know that you have friends out there that have walked that path too.
    Take care...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I only wish that I could live closer. I would clean your house, do your dishes, watch your children, take you to the spa, have girls night and margaritas (I prefer Long Island Tea), and just be.

    I am not sure many mom's, whether they have lost a child or loved on or not, can do it all by our selves.

    There are days that I want to rip my hair out. I tell God, I cannot stand this anymore. Often I'll say within myself, please take or share my load, do something. The expectations the world tends to put on us as women is overwhelming at times.

    The laundry is a never ending story, they cannot put the dish less than a foot away into the dishwasher- into the sink to pile up for me, the floors, the bathrooms, the running here and there, dropping off to school, picking up, and not to mention waking up to getting them dressed while the other sleeps or goes about their days. So much more.

    No moms, sisters, friends, brothers, family or friends to help carry the load.

    So if that is me...there are others...including you. Not any heavier, better, or worse than... just a different and unique in its own way.

    Sarah, "I'm Sorry." Period.

    ReplyDelete

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